


You Don't Have to be in Danger Anymore

by cassidycornwallis



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Family, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Other, Personal Growth, Slice of Life, The 100 (TV) Season 5, The 100 (TV) Season 6, spacekru, the 100 time jump, the ring speculation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 32,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24756775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassidycornwallis/pseuds/cassidycornwallis
Summary: Echo had thought she lost her life's purpose when she was banished, but it turned out that it made room for her to find it in a new family. Raven had convinced she deserved her pain and had to carry it alone, but learned that sharing it with others made her stronger.-Between the lines stories of how Echo and Raven's friendship began on the ring, and how they helped each other grow. They're both emotionally burdened and wonderfully complex characters in ways that complement one another, and are both deeply loyal and caring to those that have proven themselves trustworthy. Though we didn't see it, a lot had to happen in 6 years for Echo to transform into the fiercely loving character we see in seasons 5-7, and for Raven to be comfortable sharing her emotions and trusting others after so many losses. While Echo & Raven are the main characters in this story, everyone else in Spacekru is featured as well.-
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & Echo, Bellamy Blake & Raven Reyes, Echo & Raven Reyes, Emori & Raven Reyes, Harper McIntyre & Raven Reyes, John Murphy & Raven Reyes
Comments: 48
Kudos: 48





	1. Day 30 on the Ring

For the past 30 nights, Echo had walked the circular pathway of the ring looking for threats, but finding none. She had investigated every sound, flicker and crevice not trusting Harper’s reassurance that there was nobody else on the space station, and almost hoping that there was so she could do something useful. As she awoke from a restless half-sleep in the mess hall for a 31st walk tonight, a quiet thought suggested, for the first time since she was nestled in her mother’s arms as an 8-year-old, that she might not be in danger.

For the past 30 days, Raven had worked around the clock with Monty and Bellamy to restart, repair and build the systems that would keep them alive for the next seven years. She was confident that “Spacekru,” as Emori had named them, would have reliable air, water, food and power after she finished fixing the last generator with a re-engineered part from a broken computer that night. As she took off her leg brace and laid down in her bed for the 31st time, her mind was overwhelmed with memories she had shoved underneath the strategies and blueprints that were now complete. As she closed her eyes, uninvited tears began to flow out of them.

Echo picked up the scrap metal sword she’d made the first week while Murphy sat nearby organizing the parts that Raven had scavenged for repurposing, but left her shoes. They made too much noise on the unearthly hard floors. 

The earth monitoring station was silent in the steely moonlight, as was the algae farm, medical and even the restrooms. Bellamy, Monty & Harper, Murphy & Emori were sleeping soundly as usual, but an unfamiliar sound startled her as she neared Raven’s door. Raven was crying. Echo froze, and assessed the situation. She’d observed that Raven was strong, proud, prodigiously intelligent and so intimidating that it was almost endearing. Therefore, it was unlikely that she’d cry without a good reason, and if there was a good reason she might be in danger. That would mean that they were all in danger, because they needed Raven’s mind to keep the ring running. So, she knocked.

“Raven? It’s Echo. Are you in danger?”

Raven stopped crying audibly, but didn’t answer.

“Raven?”

Still no answer. Echo knew that she had spine and brain injuries, and suddenly worried that she might be in medical distress. She opened the door without another warning. The glow from the hallway lights cast a dim glow on Raven’s bed, where she was curled up with her head under her pillow, shaking with muffled sobs and unable to notice that she had an intruder. 

“Raven?” Said Echo again, surprised at the gentle sound that came out of her mouth this time. She was reminded of her mother for the second time that night, as she heard her mother’s comforting voice in the sound of her own. She felt her own tears begin to brim as Raven answered her in an aggressive tone that was hijacked by her voice cracking.

“What are you doing in here?” 

“I heard you crying and thought you were in danger.”

“Well I’m not. Get out.”

Echo did as she was told, and walked back to the mess hall without bothering to be quiet or to wipe away the tears that were falling freely now, because there was no danger, and nobody needed her help.


	2. Day 40 on the Ring

On the 40th night, Echo remembered a story that her mom and dad used to tell her about a man named Noah who rode out a storm with his family and thousands of wild animals for 40 days. She’d been remembering a lot of moments like this since the night she heard Raven crying; memories of being loved that she forced herself to forget because Azgeda said it was weakness and because the futile hope of ever feeling it again in her brutal warrior’s reality was almost more painful than losing it in the first place. As a little girl, riding out a storm with her favorite people had sounded like paradise. She wondered for a moment if it might be possible to love the people she was riding out this storm with, or be loved by them. 

On the 40th night, Raven’s tears came before she’d undone the last clasp of her brace. Being on the ark again was as constant a reminder as her leg pain that she was alone, and as work had been mostly replaced by waiting she could no longer escape her thoughts. She knew she wasn’t completely alone, she liked the others well enough, but she wasn’t special to anyone in the way she’d always craved but only let herself fully be once, with Finn. She had let Abby take care of her sometimes too, but even that was different because she could never forget that Clarke was Abby's real child, not her. Tonight she felt like she was five again, with nobody to hold her when she was scared, sad or lonely like she’d been again for the past 10 nights. She wished for a moment that Echo would hear her again. She’d noticed that Echo had been following her around and asking her questions about how the ring worked, as well as how her head was feeling. She wondered if Echo had emotions, or if she had just met someone as good at controlling them as she was. Was. Clearly not anymore, as she tried in vain to force an image of her mother ignoring her as she cried from hunger pains while watching a soap opera from the 1990’s and drinking the moonshine she’d traded a week’s worth of Raven’s rations for.

Raven woke up the next morning with a pounding headache from hours of tears alternating with nightmares. She didn’t even bother to put her hair up or pick up her raggedy yet beloved red jacket before limping to the mess hall for breakfast, hoping that the new strain of algae that Monty was debuting today would be only mildly nauseating. Echo was sitting alone at the table when Raven arrived, and instinctively deduced from her uncharacteristically haphazard appearance that something was wrong.

“Good morning,” said Echo, after trying and failing to come up with something more eloquent.

“Early bird gets the worm,” said Raven with a forced chuckle, trying to deflect from her obvious distress.

Echo didn’t know there were birds on the ark! How stupid were they to not eat eggs or something instead? Or even the worms? ANYTHING sounded like a delicacy after weeks of choking down Monty’s slimy soup. But how would the birds have survived? She stared quizzically at Raven, hoping she’d be able to figure it out before having to ask another question that would seem stupid. Raven interjected before she solved the mystery.

“You know, the saying? And it’s funny because my name is Raven? Which is a bird?”

“Oh. No, I’ve never heard that before.”

“Riiiiggghht. Different CULTure,” Raven said with a smirk.

“Is that how you learned to pronounce culture in space?”

“Nevermind.” 

Raven looked down at the table, at a loss for anything else to say that Echo would understand or that wouldn’t bring Raven to tears.

“How did you sleep last night?” 

“How do you sleep? Isn’t it kinda uncomfortable out here?” 

Raven was obviously withholding information with the classic "answer with another question" tactic. Adorable that she thought she could fool an elite spy. 

“I’ve slept on worse things. Is your room now similar to the room you had before you came to the ground the first time?”

Raven was grateful that Murphy and Emori walked in at that moment, and tried her early bird joke again while she tried to will the water welling up in her eyes to evaporate before anybody noticed.

Echo noticed, and completed the puzzle she’d been gathering pieces to for the past 10 days. Something about being on the ark was reminding Raven of something very painful, and she believed that she had to bear it alone. Echo understood, also having experienced grief and having to harden herself to survive. The ark had the opposite effect on Echo, however, who now had time and safety to remember being loved and cared for before her life’s purpose was to prove her worth by following orders and eliminating threats. She’d felt purposeless on the ark without a master or mortal danger, until now. 

She had a new mission: eliminate whatever is threatening Raven. She told herself this was strategic, because Spacekru needed her brain power to live. Deep down, it was also because something about seeing Raven hurting evoked a warm protective feeling, one she associated with memories of her parents and of caring for the younger children in her village. It felt like seeing a long lost friend whose face had faded but whose presence felt immediately familiar. It wasn’t entirely unlike the vengeful protectiveness she’d felt for Azgeda, as it came from the same place within her: the hunger to be needed and the desire to wholeheartedly love something.


	3. You Don't Have to be Alone

“Well, what’s the verdict on the new and improved Green Goodness?” Monty asked, trying not to laugh as he looked around the table at his friends’ politely subdued facial expressions. Well, polite except for Murphy, who was dramatically resisting his gag reflex.

“Ask me again in a few hours, if I’m still conscious,” said Murphy.

Emori elbowed him. “It’s better than nothing, and nobody has vomited yet, that’s a first!”

“Yet,” said Murphy. “I give it an hour.”

“Wanna bet?” asked Bellamy with a grin. “More than an hour, you do my chores today. Less than an hour, I do yours.”

Murphy offered a handshake. “Done.”

Raven stood up slowly and left the table without a word.

“Looks like I’m gonna have myself a nice relaxing day,” said Murphy as he watched Raven walk towards the bedrooms, leaned back in his chair, and rested his feet on the table.”

……….

55 minutes later, everyone but Raven was still gathered around the table. Echo was almost certain that Raven wasn’t sick, but she couldn’t work up the courage or a good excuse to go check on her.

“Looks like your little vacation is about to end, Murph,” said Bellamy as he mimicked Murphy’s posture.

“Hell no it isn’t, Reyes looked like a ghost and booked it out of here right after breakfast, there’s no way she kept that down.”

“Prove it,” said Bellamy. 

Murphy sauntered away backwards towards Raven’s room holding up his middle finger and smirking. Emori rolled her eyes at Harper, and Bellamy didn’t break jokingly intense eye contact with him until he was around the corner. 

Echo stood suddenly. “I’m going to follow him and make sure he’s not lying.”

“Good call, you learn fast” said Monty with a chuckle, partly at Murphy and partly because he was pleasantly surprised to see Echo engaging socially. 

Echo caught up with Murphy just as he was arriving at Raven’s door.

“Wait! Don’t. Let me. I don’t think she’s sick, I think something else is wrong. I told them I was coming to make sure you’re not lying. Tell them you win. I’m going to check on her.”

“A double agent, I like your style. Pleasure doing business with you.” Murphy saluted Echo and practically ran back toward the mess hall.

Echo pressed her ear to the door and knocked. “Raven?”

There was no answer, but she heard movement and sniffling.

“I’m going to open the door in five seconds unless you answer me.” A little aggressive, maybe, but if it worked in war negotiations it might work here too.

Raven almost snapped back at her to leave, but five seconds passed before she mustered up the words, and her door opened softly.

Echo walked in tentatively and sat in the chair at Raven’s bedside.

“Are you sick?”

Raven shook her head, still hidden under her pillow.

“Isn’t it hard to breathe with your face in a pillow?”

Raven laid still for a moment, then took the pillow off of her face and sat up, hugging it to her chest and looking down. Her hair fell in her face, but not enough to conceal the tear streaks on her cheeks. 2 months ago she couldn’t have fathomed letting an Azgeda spy come near her, let alone consider the possibility of befriending one, but she was desperately lonely and afraid and might even consider hugging ALIE’s hologram at this point. 

“Is your head hurting?” asked Echo, trying her best not to frighten Raven and let her think that she was choosing what she told Echo.

“Sort of.”

“What sort of hurting?”

Fresh tears began flowing and Raven wanted to hide under her pillow again.

“Is it physical hurting or memories hurting?”

“The second one,” said Raven, as her voice cracked.

Echo hadn’t expected an answer so quickly. When she got the answer in a spy mission, she’d usually capture or kill the person being interrogated. This was new for her. She frantically tried to think about what her mother had done when she was upset. She remembered drifting off to sleep when her father had been gone hunting a full day longer than he should have been, her mother stroking her hair and reassuring her that he’d come back, maybe even with extra food. Raven seemed scared, so it seemed worth a try.

“Would you like me to stay and sit with you?”

Raven wasn’t expecting that. She wasn’t sure she wanted to be seen any longer in this state, weak, but she thought she’d feel even worse if she was alone again. She nodded her head.

“When I was sad, my mom used to stay with me until I fell asleep, and it always made me feel better.”

“My mom always left,” Raven said timidly.

The Raven puzzle was making more and more sense by the minute, Echo thought. No wonder she’s struggling, I always feel extremely on edge when I see big fires or children with their parents, it’s probably the same feeling. 

“I know how it feels to be left,” said Echo, holding back her own tears to focus on her mission. “Do you want to talk about what happened, or do you want to go to sleep?”

“I’m tired and my head hurts.”

Echo gently took the pillow from Raven’s arms and put it back on the bed. “Okay, lay down,” she said gently, and straightened the blanket around Raven’s shoulders as she complied. Echo expected Raven to turn over and face the other wall, but instead Raven’s big brown eyes caught her own for a second.

Raven had never noticed the warmth in Echo’s face before today, and as she shut her eyes and felt a hand brush the hair away from her damp face, the comforting gesture distracted her from the memories long enough for the soft haze of sleep to take over her. 

Echo waited until Raven’s tears had dried and her breathing was steady, then silently stood feeling prouder than she had after any other mission she’d accomplished. As she shut the door, she found herself feeling something else that she hadn’t genuinely felt for 12 years: hope that she could be part of a family again.

Echo passed Bellamy was his way to clean the bathrooms. “Tough luck,” she said.  
“Not as tough as Murphy's luck will be next time we make a bet,” Bellamy said with a laugh.

“We’ll see about that,” said Echo with a half-smile, as she walked back towards the mess hall to tell the rest of Spacekru the tragic tall tale of Raven's food poisoning.


	4. You Don't Have to Wait

DAY 67  
_______  
“Lunch time!” Shouted Monty as he set out bowls for the trial run of the next strain of algae, developed to have lower acidity because Raven got “sick” from the last one. 

Emori and Echo laid the books that Harper was using to help them learn advanced English vocabulary upside down to mark their places, while Murphy, Raven and Bellamy briefly recapped their fuel problem brainstorm session before making their way to the table.

“Looks very… verdant,” said Emori.

“Also very viscous,” said Echo with a grin.

“Gee I wonder which letter of the dictionary you guys were reading today,” joked Murphy as he kissed the top of Emori’s head and sat down. 

Monty cleared his throat. “Ladies and Gentleman, I present you with the... Very Verdant Viscous strain. May it not make Raven violently ill like the last one. Or put any of us in a coma…..maybe someone should say a prayer.”

Raven looked over at Echo, not expecting her to do the same. They exchanged a knowing glance, before Raven looked down bashfully at her “food.” 

“Cheers,” said Harper as they clinked their bowls together and drank their algae.

“Not as acerbic as the last one!” remarked Echo, as she winked at Raven, who tried not to smile back. 

They hadn’t talked about the day that Raven was “violently ill,” both unsure about how to bring it up, or acknowledge that it brought comfort to both of them. They’d started spending more time together though, and Raven had even taught Echo how to play Poker. Unsurprisingly, Echo was incredible at it.

Raven was enjoying the increased fun and levity on the ring, and even feeling at home, but still struggled at night. While she drank the last of her lunch, she caught herself worrying that because she seemed happier during the day, Echo would think she was okay now and she would have to be alone with her memories every night for the next five years. She buried the thought as quickly as it came, but it continued to weigh on her through the rest of the brainstorming session and dinner. 

“Anyone for poker?” asked Raven as they finished dinner.

Everyone else enthusiastically agreed, and immediately began placing bets on who would win.

“Royal flush,” said Echo stoically, a mere 45 minutes into the game.

“You’re bluffing,” said Murphy.

“The cards don’t lie, cockroach,” said Echo as she fanned her winning hand in his face.

“To be honest, I’m not surprised,” laughed Murphy. “You’d have been a force to be reckoned with at casinos before the first apocalypse.”

“I don’t know that word yet, what does it mean?” said Echo.

“A place where you play card games and mind games to win money,” said Raven. “Very on brand for a spy. Who wants to play again?” 

She was hoping to prolong bedtime and avoid her thought from lunch for as long as possible.

“I’m exhausted,” said Bellamy, and Monty, Harper, Emori and Murphy followed suit. 

Echo studied Raven’s expression, and wasn’t surprised to see desperation. She didn’t think Raven would do well in a casino, her mind games were about as subtle as the ark falling out of the sky into Grounder territory.

“You’re right, it’s late. Congratulations on the win, protege. Proud of you,” Raven said awkwardly in Echo’s direction.

“I owe it all to you,” said Echo warmly. 

Raven kept walking, her head down, and Echo decided that she’d better start patrolling the halls again tonight.

………..  
Echo switched the main lights off and the night lights on at the control panel after the ring grew quiet, picked up her sword, and began her first patrol walk in 27 days. All was calm as she made her way to Raven’s bedroom, and pressed her ear up against the door. She heard jagged breathing and an occasional whimper, so she knocked.

“Raven? It’s Echo. I’m going to open the door in 5 seconds unless you tell me not to.”

Raven was relieved and wondered if Echo was a mind reader, not at all realizing how unsubtle she was. The relief made her cry harder as Echo opened the door and walked to her bedside. 

“Is it the memories?” Echo asked as she sat down.

Raven nodded tearfully.

“How can I help you feel safe?” 

Raven thought for a minute, opened her mouth to say something, but then paused.

“You can ask, I won’t hurt you,” Echo said softly.

Raven looked down at her hands and anxiously played with her blanket. “Um… can you maybe… “ she paused again to hold back another sob and gather the courage and humility to ask for help. 

Echo instinctively wiped away the tears that had gathered on Raven’s chin while she waited for her to answer.

“Can you please hold me for a little bit” she finally choked out through her tears, keeping her eyes on her hands and steeling herself for the statistically likely rejection.

Echo was taken aback, but felt like her heart was glowing both with care for Raven and with the assurance that she could be needed. “Of course I can,” she responded.

Echo sat down on Raven’s bed and held her arms out to Raven like her mom used to do when she had a bad dream. Raven rested her head in the crook of Echo’s shoulder as Echo wrapped her arms around her and let her cry.

“You don’t have to wait until I find you to ask for help,” said Echo as Raven’s tears slowed.

“You don’t have to bring your sword next time,” Raven said as she relaxed deeper into Echo’s arms.

Echo smiled and pulled the blanket up around them. “You’re probably right.”

“Can you stay until I fall asleep?” asked Raven after a pause.

“Of course,” whispered Echo, as Raven’s eyes drifted shut and she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	5. Day 72 on the Ring

Day 72

As Spacekru settled into a daily routine, it seemed that their sins towards each other on the ground were being forgiven by uninterrupted time where the seven of them couldn’t be anything but their core selves in the absence of constant my people vs. your people and life vs. death decisions. Bellamy hadn’t forgotten what Echo did to Octavia, and Raven still felt a pang of anger towards Murphy when her leg bothered her, but each was beginning to see the good in the others despite the damaging choices they’d made in the past.

“If I’d hear three months ago that a pacifist, an Azgeda spy, and Bellamy Blake were sitting around making sweaters, I would have prepared myself for a hell of a punchline,” said Murphy as he walked into the room where Monty, Echo and Bellamy were re-sewing and altering some of the mysteriously large supply of clothing that had been found in the conference room. Monty guessed that the clothes had belonged to those who died in the culling.

“It’d be an even funnier joke if an imposter flamekeeper joined them,” said Monty as he tossed a worn out black leather children’s jacket at him. 

“Take the seams out, try to remove the threads in as long of pieces as possible so we can re-use them. I’m gonna make Raven some new sleeves from it that actually reach her wrists,” instructed Bellamy.

“Didn’t peg you as a seamstress,” said Murphy, genuinely confused as he watched Bellamy sew a beautifully straight seam in a pair of pants without even looking at his hands.

“It was my mom’s job on the ark, Octavia and I probably worked on everything you’re wearing, at some point.”

Murphy shrugged and took the small sharp piece of metal that Echo held out to him and began breaking the threads, after glancing back at Emori through the open doorway as she eagerly listened to Raven explaining something complicated and science-y that he wasn’t interested in.

“Okay, so to clarify, turning down the heat by 10 degrees for 8 hours at night uses 11.62% less power from the generator,” said Emori, looking over her math one more time.

“Very good!” said Raven, and gestured to the movie projector that was half-disassembled on the table. “Now try to figure out how much power we need to fire up this baby, and see if we can spare it for the sake of some ancient American history education.”

Harper laughed and looked through the box of movie chips, taking a break from the massive doctorate-level psychology textbook she’d been studying, along with refreshing herself on what she’d learned in medical classes before her arrest. “Look, they still have Mamma Mia! This was my favorite movie to watch with my mom, we were suckers for a good mother-daughter story.” 

“Um, yeah. Haven’t seen it. I’m sure it’s great. I’ve gotta go, um, check on the... rocket,” said Raven in a blank tone, as she left the room as quickly as she could.

“That’s weird, the docking bay is closer if you go the other way,” said Emori.

“I’m not sure she’s actually going to the rocket, she already worked on it this morning,” answered Harper.

“Just being Raven, I guess”

“I guess.” Harper resumed her studying in the next chapter, and started to gather her own pieces of the Raven puzzle as something in the text struck her:

Symptoms of PTSD include:  
Reliving the traumatic experience: This can include having nightmares or flashbacks, often triggered by things that remind you of the event. 

Avoiding certain situations: You might avoid situations or activities, such as large crowds or driving, that remind you of the traumatic event. This also includes keeping yourself preoccupied to avoid thinking about the event.

Changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others: This can include avoiding relationships with other people, not being able to trust others, or believing the world is very dangerous.

She thought back over her interactions with Raven, and realized that Raven did all of these things. They all did to some degree, because their lives had kind of sucked, but Raven’s pain seemed to be exacerbated by the ring instead of soothed like everyone else. She didn’t think Raven would respond truthfully right now if she asked about it, but she made a mental note to keep learning so she might be able to help.


	6. Day 75 on the Ring

Day 75

“Merry Christmas, everyone,” joked Echo as she passed out sweatshirts and sweatpants that she, Monty and Bellamy had made out of extra blankets that were supposed to be packed on the ark stations that went to the ground. Luckily for whoever forgot to pack them, floating wasn’t a thing on the ground. The ring was cold if you weren’t moving around, and even more so at night with the temperature reduction so they had enough power to watch movies. Bellamy thought these would help.

“Clearly you enjoyed watching Home Alone last night, Elf number two” said Murphy to Echo.

“Not as much you did, Kevin is basically you. That’s EXACTLY what would happen if your parents left you behind on a vacation,” said Emori, as Murphy nodded in agreement.

“Thank you guys!” said Harper, “Monty is warm, but not warm enough.” 

Raven rolled her eyes and pretended to inspect the collar of her new pajamas for errors, still on edge from Harper’s mother-daughter comment a few days ago and freshly annoyed by Harper & Monty flaunting their relationship. Despite her persistent distress, she and Echo still hadn’t talked about the last time Echo had found her upset. Raven was still too proud and scared, and Echo didn’t want to annoy her and thought she’d made it clear that Raven could ask if she needed something. 

“I’m going to bed, thanks for these,” Raven said as she left the mess hall with a halfhearted wave. As soon as she closed her door, she began to cry from both the usual sadness and from anger that she, the smartest person she knew, was completely incapable of calming herself down anymore. She laid down without removing her brace, and waited miserably for a few hours, hoping Echo would read her mind. 

When neither Echo nor sleep came, her pride gave in and before thinking it through for another second, she stood up and walked towards the mess hall as a last resort. She found Echo sleeping on her pile of blankets; she’d insisted that she didn’t need a bed their first day on the ring. She’d pointed out that there weren’t enough rooms anyways, and said something about “keeping watch.” When Echo didn’t move Raven almost turned back, but then forced herself to tap her on the shoulder.

“Echo?” 

Echo sprang to attention as though she’d heard gunshots, but quickly softened when she realized it was just a tearful Raven, not enemy troops. “What’s wrong?”

“The same thing that’s always wrong.”

“Would you like me to come stay with you until you fall asleep?”

Raven nodded and brushed away a fresh tear.

“Okay, come on.” Echo led Raven back to her room. “Aren’t you cold in your day clothes?” 

“Kind of, I guess,” said Raven. She had been too distracted by her thoughts to realize she was freezing in her tank top in the 58 degree room. 

Echo unfolded Raven’s new sweatsuit. “I’m going to go get you some water while you put these on.”

Raven didn’t argue, and was sitting holding her pillow when Echo returned and handed her a glass of water. Raven drank it silently. “Thanks,” she said, her voice still hoarse.

“You’re welcome. Stay still,” said Echo, who then wiped Raven’s tear streaked and slightly snotty face with a cool damp cloth, surprised that she didn’t ask questions or smack Echo’s hand away. 

As soon as Echo put the cloth down, Raven reached for Echo to hold her, too exhausted to talk herself out of it or form any words.

Echo looked up at the ceiling as she rubbed Raven’s back, imagining that her mom might be watching her somewhere higher up in the sky, happy that her beloved Ash had rediscovered what it’s like to care for other humans.   
“Would you like to tell me about the memories tomorrow? I want to help you but I’m not a mind reader” she whispered, in case Raven was already asleep.

Raven nodded after a moment, and then a merciful wave of calm swept over her and carried her off to sleep.


	7. You Don't Have to Feel Abandoned

Day 76

Raven is the first one to the mess hall the next morning, as usual, and arrives just as Echo finishes rolling her blankets up. 

“Good morning, early bird,” said Echo.

“Hi,” said Raven, embarrassed. 

“Did you end up sleeping well?”

“Yeah,” said Raven as she kept walking and sat at the table. She was regretting asking for help last night. What if she had to remind Echo that she wanted to talk about what was bothering her? What if that was the last time somebody helped her and now she knew what she was missing out on? Big mistake, Reyes, she thought to herself. That’s what you get for expecting things from other people. Disappointment. Never do it again.

Echo patted Raven’s arm as she sat down next to her. “I haven’t forgotten that you want to talk, how about after dinner tonight?”

Raven wasn’t at all convinced that Echo couldn’t read minds. “Yeah. Tonight is good.” She made eye contact for a split second before pretending to adjust a wire on her brace.

“Morning, friends!” said Harper as she sat down by Raven. “What are you guys working on today?”

“Emori and I are going to try to boost the radio signal to the ground again,” answered Raven. 

“Bellamy and I are sewing after breakfast, then maybe I’ll, I don’t know…” answered Echo, looking crestfallen.

Harper noticed. She figured it must be hard to feel useful in an unfamiliar environment where she couldn’t use her best skills. “Could you teach us trigedasleng?”

“Dude, why didn’t Emori and I think of that yet? Yes!” said Raven.

“Even the most awesome brains can’t do everything,” said Harper with a grin.

This was news to Raven. She was sure her awesome brain could do anything. Well, except keep her stupid emotions under control. Maybe Harper was onto something. “Maybe you’re right,” said Raven. “So can you teach us Echo?”

“Yes, I’d like that. It will be useful when we get back to the ground. I bet everyone in the bunker will have learned it too,” said Echo, feeling appreciated and excited for a challenge. “The hour after lunch?”

“Works for me,” said Harper.

“Me too,” said Raven. “Actually can you teach us how to say “good morning” right now so we can dazzle the boys when they show up?

“Yes I can,” said Echo with a laugh. 

..........

The boys were dazzled and also very jealous, so everyone ended up in Echo & Emori’s trig class that afternoon. They learned basic greetings, colors and numbers 1-10. 

“Congratulations, you all now have the vocabulary of a one year old child. Class dismissed,” said Emori. 

Bellamy was surprised by how patient of a teacher Echo was, and not surprised by how sassy of one Emori was. “Hey, thanks Echo, you’re a really great teacher,” said Bellamy after their lesson was done. He’d been struggling to get past the whole “she almost killed my sister” thing, and still had a ways to go, but he couldn’t deny the intense gentleness and borderline-psychic intuition that he was noticing were at the core of her personality apart from her ruthless former clan.

“Thank you Bellamy, you’re a really great student,” said Echo, noting that was the first compliment he’d ever given her. It felt foreign to be acknowledged for doing something that somebody liked, but she was open to getting used to it. 

..........

Dinner that night was the most comfortable they’d ever felt as a group. Monty had started the conversation by asking everyone to share the biggest thing they’d ever gotten away with. Bellamy won by a mile with “I shot the Chancellor,” and after Murphy did a killer impression of Jaha in response, everyone began talking with his very specific inflection. Since Jaha was one of the only people they had all interacted with, everyone had something to add and it turned into one of those “you had to be there” moments that at the time was peak comedy.

“Too bad SNL isn’t a thing anymore,” said Murphy.

“What’s that?” asked Emori.

“A sketch comedy show, the longest running TV show in history actually. Filmed almost all the way up to the first apocalypse,” said Bellamy.

“There might be recordings up here, we used to watch them in art history class,” said Murphy.

“That sounds like a great activity for tomorrow, I’m gonna go read for a while before bed,” said Monty, yawning.

The rest of the group left the mess hall after cleaning up their dishes, leaving Raven and Echo at the table. Raven let the silence go on for as long as possible before turning her head to face a very patient Echo.

“Are you tired too?” Raven asked.

“Not too tired to talk to you, is that what you’re actually asking?” answered Echo.

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t you go get ready for bed, and I’ll meet you in your room in 10 minutes.”

“Okay. Cool.” As she walked to the bathroom, Raven’s thoughts became anxious: what if she thinks it’s stupid? What if she gets mad at me? What if she laughs at me? She finished scrubbing her teeth with a rough rag, and went to put her pajamas on and wait for Echo, hoping that her memories of being helped were more trustworthy than her anxious thoughts.

..........

Echo knocked on Raven’s door after putting on her night clothes and doing a quick patrol sweep of the hallways, just in case.

“Come in,” said Raven.

Echo could see that Raven was nervous, and already trying not to cry. She decided to make this as easy as possible for her. She realized this wasn’t just because she knew one of the best ways to get information out of someone was to put them at ease (or to torture them, but that clearly wasn’t an option), but because knowing Raven was hurting made her want to do whatever she could to make it stop. “Whatever you want to say is not going to make me think less of you, Raven,” said Echo as she sat down on the bed next to her. 

The first tear escaped as Raven tried to decide where to start, overwhelmed by how big of a task explaining herself suddenly felt.

“Would you like me to ask you questions instead?” said Echo.

Raven nodded.

“Okay. Which memory is the most painful?” asked Echo.

“My mom dying in front of me covered in her own vomit,” said Raven numbly.

“Did she drink a lot?”

“Every single day that I can remember with her.”

“Does being in space again remind you of that?”

“Yeah. All the time.”

“What else does being in space remind you of?”

“At night it’s my mom leaving me alone, never being awake in the daytime, taking my food away from me to get moonshine, ignoring me if I cried or yelling at me to stop because nobody cares about what I think or what I want and she only kept me to trade my food away...,” she paused to regain control of her breathing, crying freely now.

Echo moved closer to her. “What else?”

“And Finn.”

“What did Finn do?”

“He.. he used to share his food with me when we were little, and then he was my boyfriend and my only family until he got arrested and sent to the ground. But.. but then he forgot about me right away and decided he loved Clarke instead because I’m not as important as her, and then he did something stupid and got killed, and I didn’t get to say goodbye and everything up here reminds of him and that the only person that I was ever important to abandoned me as soon as soon as he didn’t have to be burdened by me anymore.”

“Are you scared of being abandoned again?”

Raven nodded.

“What else are you scared of?”

“That my mom and Finn were right.”

“Right about what?”

“That nobody cares what I need and I’m not special enough to love and I’m a burden unless I’m giving people what they need to survive.”

“Do you think they’re right?”

“I don’t know,” said Raven, getting frustrated and angrily wiping away yet another tear.

Echo took this as a sign to stop asking questions. “They’re wrong Raven, I care,” said Echo clumsily, but still communicating the sentiment.

Raven had been so busy mentally preparing herself for Echo to change her mind and think she was being weak and stupid that she hadn’t thought about what she’d do in this scenario, because it seemed to good to be true. She couldn’t think of any possible reason that Echo would be lying right now, though, so she just looked up and met her eyes.

“Thank you for telling me the truth, Raven. I’m telling you the truth too. Is there anything else you want to say?”

“Do you want to live in the mess hall the whole time we’re up here?”

“Hm. Well it’s not dangerous, but it also kind of reminds me of sleeping on the cold Azgeda ground. So no, I don’t want to live in the mess hall.”

“Could…. Could you maybe come live here with me instead then?” Raven picked at a loose thread on her blanket, the vulnerability of sustained eye contact too overwhelming at the moment.

“I could do that, yes,” Echo said gently.

“Are you sure?”

“Only if I can bring my sword,” she joked.

Raven smiled and then looked down again. “Can you please start tonight?” she said quietly.

“Yes, Raven. I can start tonight,” Echo replied, feeling as affirmed by Raven’s request as Raven felt cared for by Echo’s agreeing to it.

“Thank you,” said Raven, tears still falling occasionally.

“Would you like to go to sleep now?”

Raven nodded.

Echo pulled back the covers for Raven, then turned off the light and laid down next to her. Talking had calmed Raven down, and she was asleep within minutes, curled up into a little ball that unconsciously moved to rest against Echo, who was rigidly on her back as usual. Echo softened at the warmth and at the oddly comforting sound of Raven’s congested breathing, and fell asleep feeling more at home than she had in years.


	8. Day 184 on the Ring

“SPACEKRU TO THE MESS HALL, I REPEAT, SPACEKRU TO THE MESS HALL,” yelled Monty with almost panicked excitement. 

Bellamy and Murphy emerged from the adjacent room where they’d been trying to resolve a heated argument. Bellamy had condescendingly told Murphy he should learn how to do something new, and Murphy had violently pointed out that he had no authority over him. They were making progress, but glad for an excuse to take a break.

Emori and Harper hastily put down their textbooks (Electrical Engineering and Pediatric Medicine, respectively), Raven came around the corner from “working on the rocket,” and Echo came running with her sword, having incorrectly interpreted Monty’s excitement as mortal peril.

“What the HELL Echo, CHILL!!!” exclaimed Monty, almost dropping the box he was holding, then laughing as his heart rate slowed back to normal.

“Sorry. Habit. I’ve been training for this,” said Echo, standing down.

“And someday we’ll be grateful for that,” said Emori, patting Echo’s shoulder as she approached with Harper.

Raven reached the table last, scowling. “There’d better be a good reason for this, I’m busy” she muttered.

Echo and Bellamy glanced at each other. Raven’s temper had been hot even by her standards recently, and they’d been trying to figure out why. After Echo had moved in with her she’d been noticeably happier for while, but had regressed over the past few weeks. She’d been harshly criticizing every idea Bellamy had in their daily strategy meetings, even the few she knew were better than hers, and refusing to talk to Echo about anything personal or otherwise non-academic. The others had noticed that she couldn’t even take a joke anymore, and so had been mostly staying away from her.

Monty felt a bit hurt that his friend wasn’t interested in his surprise, but let it go. “You’ll never believe what I found hidden in a wall panel in the conference room! First pick of the bounty goes to the first correct guess.”

“More movies?” said Bellamy.

“Socks?” asked Harper.

“Rations, morons, it says MRE on the box,” said Raven impatiently. 

“Calm down Raven, you could have just guessed,” said Bellamy, choosing not to show as much irritation as he was feeling.

Raven glowered at him, as she realized that this box was actually unmarked, and she only knew it was MRE’s because she’d seen Nygel showing her mom where to drop Raven’s portion off in return for moonshine once. The box that was there when Raven went to steal her food back had been marked, so she’d assumed this one was too. Nygel must have been running quite a scheme the last few days on the ark to garner such an excessive stash. She hoped that nobody pointed out her mistake or asked her any follow up questions.

Monty exhaled his frustration, and tried to break the tension, “Correct! Raven Reyes, you get the honor of picking our first of few sacred Green-less meals. Tonight, we FEAST.”

“St. Blake can pick instead, I’m going to go do something that’s actually important,” Raven snapped as she walked back towards the rocket as quickly as her leg allowed her.

“Thank you, Monty,” said Emori. I know I speak for all of us when I say we are as excited as you are…… even Raven. Deep, deep down. Somewhere.”

“What’s her deal these days, has she been waking up on the wrong side of the bed, Echo?” joked Murphy.

“What does that have to do with anything? she’s been waking up the same side of the bed as long as we’ve been here,” she responded, confused.

“Riiiiight. I forget you’re not completely fluent in Sky People yet. It means why’s she being a cranky little bit-”

“Murphy,” interrupted Harper, protectively. “She’s been through a lot, this is hard for all of us sometimes. Just leave her be, okay?”

After a tense pause, Bellamy interjected, “so, Monty,….. got any spaghetti & meatballs in there?”

…………..

Raven didn’t need to be working on the exterior of the rocket right now, the damage was fairly superficial and they had at least 4.5 years until they needed it. She was aware of this, but even more aware that she was losing more and more control of her mind each day and therefore she was withdrawing from the others despite their attempts to include her. Having Echo’s physical presence with her at night helped her stay grounded in reality enough to sleep, but it didn’t take away the triggers that her mind found in almost every sight, sound and conversation up here. It was almost worse than having ALIE in her brain, because there was no way she could science herself out of this and it made her less useful instead of giving her a cool brain upgrade. 

Her mind had always been her safe space; what gave her the power to control her life and to prove that she was worthy of the resources that kept her alive. This was especially true after being betrayed by her body with her leg injury and her stroke, and now that her entire being was controlled by pain, she was at rock bottom and unable to feel anything but all-consuming anger. She had thought that telling Echo about her pain one time would make it go away, and figured Echo thought the same thing. She’d slowly given in to her mental exhaustion over the past two weeks, and was now completely out of strength to try and prove herself wrong, or to give the others a chance to prove she was wrong. 

Raven stepped back a few feet to determine the best angle to weld the patch she’d cut this morning onto a small hole about 12 feet up the rocket. She balanced the ladder precariously on the rocket, and secured the base with some heavy crates of building supplies. She determined that if she stayed right in the center of the ladder rungs, it wouldn’t slip off of the curved surface of the rocket. She picked up the patch and a rivet gun to hold it in place before welding, and climbed up. 

After expertly fastening the patch with the rivets, “a work of art,” she thought to herself, she began to lower herself down, paralyzed leg first. She overshot the first rung, and the ladder fell, taking Raven with it. She fell hard at a 45 degree angle on her right leg, and an all too familiar sharp pain jolted through her knee. 

“No, no no no no no, no this can’t be happening, no, please God no,” Raven repeated to herself under her breath, her leg beginning to shake involuntarily from the shock. She tried to stand up and shake it off, in denial that this was happening, but her knee wouldn’t straighten and collapsed under the slightest weight. After a few attempts humbled her into accepting that walking wasn’t an option, she laid down on the floor and gave in completely to her thoughts, cursing her friends that had removed the chip from her brain in the woods that night in desperation for a break from being Raven.


	9. You Don't Have to Feel Like This Forever

Echo started absentmindedly doing the week’s laundry after Bellamy picked dinner out, and he had asked her if she knew what was going on with Raven. Truly she didn’t. She didn’t know why Raven wouldn’t tell her if she was hurting considering that she had before, and didn’t know why Raven wouldn’t answer her when she asked if she was alright. She’d be concerned that she was the problem if Raven hadn’t been lashing out at everyone else, too. 

Strangely, Raven’s behavior hadn’t caused Echo to care about her any less. She was confused and a bit saddened by it, but still felt a strong desire to help her and a nurturing instinct when Raven unknowingly snuggled up to her in her sleep. She was starting to feel the same way about the rest of Spacekru as well, to varying degrees. Echo was scared to say it, as she’d forgotten what it felt like so wasn’t sure she was right, but she thought she might be starting to love them.

“Hey, was Raven in your room when you went to get the laundry?” Emori interrupted her thoughts.

“No, why?”

“The early bird is late to our daily “fuel problem” project, thought maybe she was sleeping or something. I’ll go look for her.”

“Okay,” replied Echo, thinking this was very out of character and growing a little worried. She figured if something was wrong Emori would tell her immediately, though, so she might as well just keep working.  
…….  
Emori walked to the docking bay first, Raven’s usual hiding spot. As she turned the corner and saw her lying motionless on the floor, she ran to her side and shook her frantically. “Raven wake up!”

Raven opened her eyes, but didn’t respond.

“What happened?” 

Raven still wouldn’t respond, she just shrugged Emori’s hand off of her shoulder and tried to turn over to face away from her.

“Raven, answer me! You’re not fooling anyone, you’re obviously hurt!”

“Leave me alone.” said Raven in a snap that came out more like a whisper, trying again to move away from Emori.

“I’ll leave you alone if you stand up,” said Emori.

Raven didn’t have a response for that, she just stared into space.

“Fine, you win. I’m leaving…..but I’m sending back someone who can carry you to medical,” added Emori said as she walked out, leaving no room for Raven to argue. She found Bellamy reading in his room, and walked in, as the door was open.

“Hey, Raven’s in the docking bay and can’t walk. She wouldn’t tell me what happened but she’s obviously injured, I think she fell off a ladder and hurt her good leg pretty badly and I can’t carry...”

Bellamy was out the door before Emori finished. “I’ll go get her. Go ask Harper to meet us in medical and tell the others to play it cool.

Emori held her tongue instead of informing Bellamy that she’d already thought of that, and how stupid would she have to be for that to NOT be her next plan. Oh well. Maybe she’d pick that battle later, but for now she just nodded and went to find Harper.

Bellamy’s heart sank as he reached Raven and saw how numb she looked, too eerily similar to when she was chipped. If we got Raven back then, we can get her back now, he said to himself as he shook her gently. “Hey. What happened?” he asked. 

Raven begrudgingly opened her eyes. “Go away,” she said hoarsely.  
“Why are you being like this?”

“I said, go. Away.”

Bellamy thought for a minute. “Why don’t you go away instead?”

Raven fought back tears with all her might, and stayed silent.

“Thought so. I’m going to take you to medical in 10 seconds, unless you prove you can stand up before then.” 10 seconds passed, Raven hadn’t even attempted to move, knowing it was useless. “Friends don’t leave friends alone,” said Bellamy as he carefully picked her up and carried her out of the docking bay.

Raven didn’t fight him this time but refused to let her head rest on his shoulder or admit to herself that she was so relieved someone came back for her, and that it could mean that her thoughts really were wrong, after all. 

Bellamy laid Raven down on the table and left after giving Raven a tentative pat on the shoulder, and Harper looked at Raven calmly, masking her anxiety well. She’d hoped her first official patient would be a little intense to make it less nerve-wracking, but oh well.

“What happened Raven? I see that your right leg is injured.”

“Fell.” answered Raven angrily, becoming more aware of the intense pain as the presence of other people brought her a little closer to reality.

“I’m sorry that happened, Raven, I know you’ve been through a lot. Can I take a look so we can find out what’s wrong?” said Harper.

Raven argued with herself, half wanting help and half wanting to keep shutting everybody out so that nobody else would ever be able to hurt her again and add to her memories, as Echo walked in having heard what happened from Emori.

Harper looked at Echo with eyes that clearly said “thank goodness you’re here, please help,” and Echo approached Raven calmly.

“Can I sit with you while Harper looks at your leg? You know it can’t be fixed if we don't know what's wrong,” said Echo. Raven didn’t say anything, so she took that as a yes, sat down and began to scratch Raven’s back, and nodded at Harper to start.

The x-ray wand showed no broken bones, and Harper quickly confirmed the problem. “Your knee is dislocated. I’ve never done it before, and it’s gonna hurt, but I just need to set it back in place. You won’t be able to walk for a few days, but it’ll heal if you’re careful for a few weeks,” she said reassuringly. “I can’t really tell if your ligaments or tendons are damaged, so it’s really important that you’re careful and we do this now so it doesn’t get worse. Is that okay?”

Raven still wouldn’t answer, and a persistent tear finally escaped.

Harper took a moment to calm her frustration and continued. “You don’t have to live like this, Raven. We can help you, and we want to help you. I know this is really hard for you, and I know that a lot is going on in your mind too. I’ve been studying psychology and that's actually really normal for people who’ve lived through as much as you have.”

“What’s normal?” said Raven quietly.

“Well, pushing other people away, feeling like the whole world hates you, feeling like you’re trapped inside of yourself, recurring memories of traumatic events, and so forth. Does that sound familiar?”

Echo knew that it did, and wrapped her arm around Raven again. 

“What does it matter,” said Raven with frustration.

“Well, there are actually ways to fix that too, it’s science.”

“Science? What kind of ways?”

“Well, talking about it with someone is a good place to start.”

“I already talked about it, and it’s still here” said Raven angrily.

“You have to talk about it more than once. And then there are lots of techniques and skills you can use to learn to control it.”

“It often takes many battles to win a war,” said Echo, the concept clicking in her mind.

“Yes! Exactly,” said Harper, impressed by Echo’s analogy. “We don’t have to talk about it right now, but would you like us to ask you about it again tomorrow?”

Raven thought for a minute and then nodded, another stray tear falling.

“Great. Now can I fix your knee?” asked Harper.

“Fine.” said Raven.

“Okay. Echo’s going to help you hold still, and then I’m going to pop it back in place. I’m sorry, but it’s going to hurt.”

“Just do it,” said Raven impatiently.

Harper counted down from 3, and popped it back right before she reached 1. By some miracle it went back into place on the first try. Harper was right, that hurt a lot, and Raven couldn’t hold back her tears any longer.

“I’m going to take you to rest now, is that okay?” asked Echo. Predictably, Raven didn’t answer, so Echo picked her up and motioned with her head for Harper to follow and open the doors for them. Echo put Raven down in the chair by the bed, as everyone’s freshly cleaned laundry was still sitting in the other room. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to go get your blankets so you can take a nap.”

“Actually I’ll get it, I just remembered that her knee should be wrapped so I’ll get something for that too,” said Harper. “Maybe start changing out of your clothes Raven so your knee is ready to wrap when I come back.”

“I’ll leave you to do that while I get you some water,” said Echo, trying to respect her independence.

Raven’s brace was off but was still in her pants when Echo came back a few minutes later, her eyes closed and taking deep breaths while holding her swollen knee.

“Did you try to stand up?” asked Echo dryly, putting the water on the bedside table.

Raven nodded, her eyes still closed.

Echo reflected for a minute. “I’m sorry, I should have helped you.”

Raven didn’t say anything, still taking her apparent vow of silence very seriously, so Echo helped her without asking and finished just as Harper returned with the laundry and a piece of fabric for a bandage. Echo made the bed and separated Raven’s night clothes, thinking she’d be more comfortable in those the rest of the day while Harper wrapped Raven’s knee as gently as possible. She handed her the glass of water when she was done.

“Drink this and then get some rest. Please don’t try standing up, that will ensure your best chance of a full recovery, okay? And you can ask for help anytime, any day. I promise,” said Harper, as she patted Raven’s leg and stood up.

“Thanks,” said Raven, feeling slightly more grounded after the much needed water and affirmation.

“You’re welcome, my friend,” said Harper, and closed the door after her as she left.

Echo finished making the bed and knelt down in front of Raven with her pajamas, again not bothering to ask her if she wanted help as she dressed her and moved her to her bed. Raven started crying again as Echo pulled back her blankets. “Can you please tell me what you need?” 

“What if I’m like this forever,” said Raven barely above a whisper.

“Well, you won’t be if you let us help you. But even if you were, you’d still be Raven, and I’d still love you.” Echo hadn’t planned to say the last part, but it was true, so she let it be.

Nobody had said that to Raven since Finn had so many months ago, and even then it was tainted by his leaving her for Clarke. She didn’t know how to believe it, but she wanted to. She thought she might love Echo and Bellamy and maybe even the others too, so she’d been isolating herself out of anger that she’d been hurt so many times before and fear that they’d hurt her someday too if she let them. 

“Really?” asked Raven, barely audible.

“Yes. And I’d still be able to read you mind, too,” she said with a half smile as she opened her arms to hold Raven. 

Raven relaxed and cried into Echo’s shoulder while she rocked her until she was calm, and then helped her lay down. 

“When you wake up, there’ll be spaghetti & meatballs waiting for you, whatever that is,” whispered Echo.

Raven reached for Echo’s hand and curled up into a ball. She remembered a conversation she’d had with Bellamy when they lived at Arkadia over breakfast, where she’d told him her favorite ark food was spaghetti & meatballs. He’d looked at her like she was crazy and told her that was the only one he couldn’t stand. They’d laughed and both agreed it was better than the mystery stew they were eating on that cold morning. She didn’t want to admit it, but she hoped she was right in thinking he’d picked dinner tonight for her on purpose. St. Blake indeed, she thought, hoping that everyone still cared about her when she woke up.

…..

Raven woke up 3 hours later, her ears still ringing slightly and her throat dry. She opened her eyes to see Echo still sitting next to her on the bed reading a book, and dressed in her night clothes. 

“What time is it?” asked Raven in a raspy voice.

Echo laid her book down and brushed Raven’s hair out of her face. “Around 16:30, how are you feeling?”

“Why are you wearing your pajamas then if it’s so early?” 

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“......My whole body hurts and I’m thirsty,” Raven admitted, rubbing her eyes and moving to sit up. 

Echo reached across her and handed her a glass of water. “Monty just said dinner would be ready in about 30 minutes, spaghetti’s a funny name but it looks a hell of a lot better than algae.” When Raven didn’t say anything, Echo continued. “Everyone came by the room at least once while you were sleeping to ask me if you were okay, and Harper wanted me to tell you that you’re welcome at dinner even though you were in a bad mood earlier. Okay?”

Raven nodded. “Okay.”

Echo held up a tattered copy of The Hobbit. “So this book is pretty exciting, but I don’t know what some of the words mean, can you help me read it until dinner?”

Raven’s face lit up ever so slightly. “Yeah.” She sat up next to Echo and rested her still aching head on her shoulder.

Echo turned the pages back to the beginning. “Okay, first of all, what exactly is a hobbit?”  
…..

One chapter and half an hour later, Echo put the book down. “All right, I’m hungry, let’s go.”

Raven didn’t respond.

“I promise it’s safe, and yes I’ll help you to the mess hall,” said Echo as she strained to pick Raven up. I need to start training again if I’m going to have to keep doing this, little one is heavier than she looks, thought Echo.

Everyone else was already at the table, and also wearing pajamas, and Monty was dishing up the last bowl as Echo put Raven down and subtly stretched her arms.

“I’m glad you’re awake and joining us Raven,” said Monty as he handed her the bowl.

“Thanks,” said Raven, wondering if she was still asleep, because in what world but dreamland would this particular group of people be sitting in space wearing pajamas and eating contraband pasta?

Bellamy cleared his throat dramatically. “Welcome, everyone, to the first “something terrible happened today but we’re still alive so we’re celebrating” celebration. Still working on the title. The only catch is that only seven really terrible things can happen before we run out of MREs, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Okay, you all can eat now, I know it looks amazing,” he said as he caught Raven’s eye and winked at her. 

Raven half-smiled back, and couldn’t deny that this was a perfect way to end a really terrible day.

“I doubt I’ll never know from personal experience, but this tastes like HEAVEN,” said Murphy.

“I bet St. Bellamy Blake here will know from personal experience,” said Emori, grinning at Raven as she said it.

“No chance after he literally hanged me?” said Murphy with a chuckle.

“Well sure, but you forgave him,” said Harper.

“Yeah, and I don’t think that’s how heaven works,” said Monty.

“I sure hope not. None of us would have a chance,” laughed Echo.

“Well, we’re still alive today after the world has ended twice, so I think that means we all have a chance,” said Harper.

“I’ll drink to that!” said Bellamy, and raised his water glass. “To Spacekru! May we eat again,” he said with a devilish grin.

Everyone groan-laughed and rolled their eyes, even Echo and Emori understood how terrible that pun was. 

“That’s it, your speech privileges are officially revoked,” said Emori. 

“I’ll drink to THAT,” said Monty.

As the group clinked their glasses together and continued talking amongst themselves, Echo and Raven both thought about how grateful they were in this moment to still have a chance.  
Echo had a chance to love another family as she had been loved, and Raven had a chance to free herself from a past of being so deeply hurt by her family. “Something terrible happened today but we’re still alive so we’re celebrating” couldn’t have come at a better time for either of them, and by the looks of the much-needed laughter around the table, the same was true for the rest of Spacekru. 

Raven didn’t say anything for the rest of dinner or the movie night that followed, except to join in the groaning at Bellamy’s second terrible joke of the evening when he pointed out the missed opportunity of Spacekru not calling themselves “The Fellowship of the Ring” instead. She had been so afraid to face everyone after having such a dramatic day, but nobody, not even Murphy, had called any attention to it except to celebrate that they were all still alive. The combination of relief, the most satisfying meal in months and the reassuring presence of Echo and Bellamy allowed her to stop replaying the catalyst for their celebration that night and to appreciate that she was alive instead, if only for a few hours.

Bellamy glanced at Echo as the movie ended to ask her what she thought about it. He’d thought about asking if she saw herself in the Nazgul, but he wasn’t sure she’d take it as a joke. He wasn’t sure if it was a joke himself, as time hadn’t quite yet proven to him that her seemingly cold-blooded choices on the ground hadn’t been just a logical consequence of her fiercely loyal personality combining with the unfortunate fate of being Azgeda. When he looked over at her, she was gently trying to wake Raven who’d fallen asleep on the pillow in her lap, adding another piece of proof to his hunch that Echo’s primary qualities were loyalty and helping her people. It appeared that when her people didn’t demand that she manipulated and murdered people to keep her place in the family, she became what he was watching now. He still needed more time to reconcile this persona with the one that almost killed his beloved little sister, but she was still growing on him.

“Hey, you don’t need to wake her up. I’ll take her,” he said to Echo.

“Thanks,” she replied with a sigh of relief. “My arms haven’t been this sore in weeks, I’ve been getting lazy up here.”

Bellamy smiled. “No, I don’t think you’ve been lazy. Just doing less of some things and more of others,” he said as he picked up his friend and followed Echo down the hallway.


	10. You Don't Have to Feel Hopeless

15 Days Later: Day 199

“Raven, your meeting with Harper is in 5 minutes, let’s be done for today,” said Emori, taking off her headset and pressing “delete session” on the flight simulator screen.

“Wait but I think if we adjust the takeoff speed then the trajectory-” 

“Tomorrow.” Said Emori, putting her hand on Raven’s arm.

Raven sighed. “Fine, you win.” Emori helped her out of the rocket and into the makeshift wheelchair that Monty had rigged up. “But tonight at poker will be a different story,” she said with a mischievous grin as she wheeled out of the docking bay.

“No way, tonight is the night where I prove you and Echo are teaming up to cheat!” Emori called after Raven as she went down the hall to the conference room where Harper was waiting for her.

……….

“Hey! How’d the flight simulations go today?” asked Harper as Raven reached the table she was sitting at.

“Crashed again, but I think I have some possible solutions. Would you like to hear them? They’re pretty awesome.” Raven knew she didn’t, as this deflecting was one of the things they were working on in these therapy sessions, but it was always worth a try.

Harper smiled. “I’m very interested to hear about it later, but right now I’d like to hear about how your homework from last week went.” 

“Well, better than week one.” She was deflecting again, but it was true. Their first session, the day after her accident, she’d only been able to answer yes or no questions by nodding or shaking her head. Her assignment had been to identify her triggers and write them down, but instead she’d tried to ignore them out of existence. That had led to her having more angry outbursts and harder nights, until Echo shed a single tear out of exhaustion from constantly trying to read a silent and upset Raven’s mind and implored her to at least try Harper’s strategy, because there’s no way it could be worse than hers.

“That’s great that it was better! Did you write down your biggest triggers?”

Raven nodded and handed her a notebook, opened to a water-stained page. “Night, anything that reminds me of my mom, when I can’t solve a problem,” she said.

“I can see why space makes all of these worse. That makes sense, Raven,” Harper said, nodding reassuringly. “Did you try using your own words to ask for help when any of these were happening this week?”

“Yeah,” said Raven. Harper nodded, signalling her to say more. “I told Echo that I felt like I was going to wake up and not be able to find anyone in the morning, so I got scared and couldn’t sleep two nights ago.”

“Then what happened?”

“She said that nobody was going to leave and then she held me until I was sleeping,” said Raven, examining her fingernails.

“What did you tell yourself would happen before you asked her?”

“That she would say I’m being stupid and she wants to live in the mess hall again.”

“Has Echo ever done that before?”

“No.”

“Who has?”

“My mom,” said Raven, tears forming in her eyes.

Harper reached out and held Raven’s hand. The textbook said for therapists to never touch their patients, but she figured that they were friends first so it was okay. Raven squeezed back, “It makes sense that because you’re in the same place where that happened before, your brain expects the same thing to happen again. It’s how your brain has been programmed, and you’re not crazy. It’s really great that you were able to make a choice to overpower that programming and ask Echo for help too. You couldn’t do that two weeks ago, that’s progress! I want you to try that again this week, okay?”

“Okay,” said Raven

“Let’s talk about your mom some more. It sounds like all of these triggers go back to your mom eventually. Does that sound accurate?

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I want you to list anything that comes to mind that your mom made you feel. Start whenever you’re ready, and I’ll write them down until you’re done. Does that sound doable?”

Raven nodded, wiping away a tear. After a moment she began, and after several minutes had a painful list: “worthless, burdensome, disposable, unlovable, unlikable, foolish, obnoxious, dramatic, selfish, an accident, unwelcome.”

“It’s valid and logical that you feel that way after being told those things. That really sucks that your mom treated you like that. What do you think you need to believe that the opposite of those things are true?”

“I don’t know,” Raven said softly.

“That’s okay. Can you think of times where you’ve fully believed that those things aren’t true?” 

Raven paused and stared at the words in the notebook, wishing that she could erase them from her mind as easily as she could erase them from the page. Even if she could though, she thought, she knew the eraser would leave it’s own mark in its place. Maybe that was okay. But for now, she couldn’t fathom a way to render the words anything besides deep, dark smudged realities. 

“No, I can’t. Not fully. They’re always there,” Said Raven. She meant to stop there, but Harper’s gentle squeezing of her hand that she was still holding prompted her to keep talking.  
“Sometimes they go away for a little bit, like when Finn remembered my birthday, or Abby took care of me outside of just doing her job, or when I solve big problem or build something, or now I guess when Echo knows what I need… sometimes I forget too if I stay really busy, but that’s hard to do up here, and they always come back anyways,” she finished, her voice cracking. 

Harper put her other hand on Raven’s. “That must be so hard, and so painful. But you are one of the strongest people I know. And I don’t mean strong as in stoic and immune to pain. You’ve chosen to overcome your physical pain countless times, and you’re the only person I know that’s stopped and started their own heart so that they could keep living. You’ve looked pain and death in the face and walked right through it. And that means that you know deep down that you are valuable, and that you want to believe that.”

Raven met Harper’s eyes. “Why does this feel so much harder than that?”

Harper handed her a cloth for her tears. “According to the books I read, and my own life experience, I think it’s because ultimately your mind controls your life, and if your mind is broken, you feel that you don’t have control over anything. But the books also say that if you choose to, you can heal from it. It takes time though, and you have to be willing to work hard at it. Does that sound like something you can do?”

Raven nodded.

“I think you can too. But working hard at this doesn’t mean just pushing through like you’ve had to do with your leg, or with your brain when you were having strokes. Your mind is different. You’re going to have to let yourself feel everything you’ve pushed down, and then practice new thought patterns. It will get worse before it gets better, but you do get to decide if it gets better. Oh, and you have to be patient,” Harper said with a smile.

“Ugh,” said Raven laughing a little as she continued wiping her tears. “That’s one virtue I definitely do not have.”

“Yet,” said Harper. “And Raven? You don’t have to, and shouldn’t do this alone. I know you don’t believe it yet, and you don’t have to, but everybody up here adores you, and not just because you saved their lives.”

“Thanks,” said Raven. “I want to learn to believe that and to feel the same way about myself, too. So. What do I have to suffer through this week?”

Harper laughed. “That’s the spirit. Well, like I said before, keep using your words to ask for help when you need it. If your mind tells you not to, tell yourself that you’re lovable, valuable, and worthy of help. You don’t have to believe it yet, but say it, Second, I want you to write a list of everything that you like about yourself, and read it to yourself twice a day. And if you want to talk before then, you know where to find me. Does that sound like something you can do?” 

“Yeah. I can do that,” said Raven, feeling the faint glimmer of hope she’d carried her whole life that one day her mom’s words wouldn’t be true anymore grow a tiny bit brighter. I’m lovable, I’m valuable, I’m worthy of help, she thought to herself. Thinking these words felt like what she’d imagined finding a stash of Christmas presents was probably like to the kids in the movies: discovering a secret that felt wrong or even punishable, yet brought promise that after a lot of patience, something that she didn’t know was there or even how badly she wanted it would be hers.


	11. Day 203 on the Ring

Day 203

_ I’m lovable. I’m valuable. I’m worthy of help,  _ Raven repeated to herself for the hundredth time in a row as the mechanical sounds of the space station became ghosts of her mother’s voice in the stillness of the late afternoon. It had been a difficult few days on the ring with some electrical failures in the computers that ran the earth monitoring and communication systems, which had given Raven a valid excuse to stifle her emotions. Now that the ring was back in full working order, the rest of Spacekru was decompressing from the stress of it all as Raven’s mind resumed its torture while she tried to start making the list that Harper told her to.

_ I’m lovable. I’m valuable. I’m worthy of help _ , Raven repeated to herself again. She stared at her list, which so far was only numbers 1-5 written in the left margin of the otherwise blank paper, trying to force herself to think louder than the voice in her head that was repeating everything everyone she loved had ever hated about her.

Her heart rate was increasing as her ears grew hot and a lump formed in her throat.

She glanced around the room, Monty & Emori were reading, Bellamy and Murphy were laying on the floor staring at the ceiling, Harper was writing, and Echo was sitting against the wall looking at some old United States maps, awed by how expansive the landmass was compared to the small piece she’d known as the ground. 

The juxtaposition of the calm around her and the chaos inside her edged her closer to panic.

She focused hard and tried to speak rationally to herself: Harper had said to feel it. To ask for help. That it would get worse before it got better.  _ I’m lovable. I’m valuable. I’m worthy of help.  _ Say it to yourself, then ask for help. She’d said she could do it, now she needed to prove it to herself. She picked up her notebook, made her best attempt at a deep breath, and wheeled herself towards Echo.

Echo looked up as she heard Raven approaching, and stood immediately at the familiar sight of subdued terror on her face.

“I.. I need help,” said Raven as calmly as she could through her ragged breaths. 

Echo pushed Raven to their room and sat down with her in the big soft armchair in the corner. Raven curled up to Echo as she held her and gently scratched her back. 

“You’re safe. What’s hurting you?” asked Echo.

Raven wanted to retreat into her silence and escape by falling asleep in the comfort of her friend’s closeness, but chose instead to listen to Harper. “The same thing is still hurting, even though it has been forever and even though I’m trying to get rid of it the right way,” she sobbed. “And I’m just really, really tired of it.”

Echo rested her head on Raven’s and hugged her a little tighter. “Like I said a few weeks ago, it takes a lot of battles to win a war. And battles can be redundant and exhausting, and without them there’s no victory.”

“But I feel like I’m losing,” said Raven.

“Well, you were. But you admitted it and changed your strategy, that’s what a wise warrior does.”

“How will I know if I’m winning?” 

“You’re still alive, and you’re still fighting.”

“You know what?, said Raven after a few minutes of reflective silence. “I think YOU should do the speeches instead of Bellamy from now on. HE’S redundant and exhausting,” she said with a half smile, looking up at Echo.

Echo laughed and wiped the tears off of Raven’s face with the cuff of her sweater. “So what was it in that notebook that upset you?”

“Were you spying on me?” quipped Raven.

“Couldn’t help myself,” said Echo, reaching to pick it up off of Raven’s wheelchair and handing it to her.

“I’m supposed to make a list of things that I like about me. Harper said that the science said that it would help fix my brain.”

“Why is it blank?”

“Because I don’t know if I like anything about me,” Raven said, a fresh wave of tears spilling over her eyelashes.

Echo continued holding Raven, but didn’t respond. She was briefly shattered to hear her say that she couldn’t think of a single thing she liked about herself. Echo thought Raven was the most intelligent, loyal and lovable person she’d met since her parents. Soon, though, her own tears began to brim in her eyes as she realized she couldn’t think of anything she liked about herself either.  _ Maybe I should talk to Harper too, she thought to herself. Or maybe, I can learn what I need to know from helping Raven. Yes, that’s a better strategy for now. I need to protect her. She needs me to be strong to protect her. We’ll both win this way. _

As soon as her tears dried, Echo broke the silence. “Well, I can think of several things I like about you.”

“Like what,” said Raven.

“Well, I’m not going to tell you right now, because it sounds like you need to do it yourself for it to work. But I will tell you that you’re going to need a lot more than five lines.”

Raven sat up and hesitantly added a number six to the page.

“I love you,” said Echo.

Raven rested her head back on Echo’s shoulder. “I don’t know what I’d do without you up here. I love you too.”

_ I don’t know what I’d do without you up here either, thought Echo, and I hope that whatever Harper’s teaching you works so that neither of us have to find out. _

  
  



	12. Day 220 on the Ring

**Day 220**

“All I’m saying is there’s no way you LET me win for the fourth time in a row,” said Raven arching an eyebrow at Murphy.

He smirked back. “I’m just doing my part to let you hold onto a tiny sliver of your pride.”

Raven laughed and narrowed her eyes. “And how do you know I’m not letting you let me win so you can feel like you’re actually contributing to the greater good of humanity with such a benevolent act of charity?”

Emori was never sure if banter like this would lead to a deeply personal fight or to shared laughter. She was pretty sure it was the latter this time, but wasn’t in the mood to referee, so she interjected.“Guess we’ll find out in a week when Raven’s cleared to walk again, won’t we,” she said, patting both of their knees.

“We certainly will,” said Raven, as she gathered up the cards from their game of Egyptian Rat Screw and handed them to Murphy to put back in the box on the chair behind him. 

“Do you need help with anything before we go to bed?” asked Emori.

Raven held up both her arms, signalling for them to help her off the floor where they’d been sitting and onto her bed. “I think just hand me my night clothes, and I’m good.”  _ Echo will be here soon, if I need anything else,  _ she thought to herself. 

Murphy chucked Raven’s pajamas at her, faking immense disappointment when she caught them before they hit her in the face. “Good night Raven,” he said.

Emori gave Raven a little pat on the shoulder. “See you in the morning,” she said.

“Bye guys!” said Raven as they shut her door. She took down her ponytail and changed her clothes, then read a few chapters of  _ To Kill a Mockingbird.  _ She’d been expecting Echo to walk in at any moment, but soon it was 47 minutes past her usual bedtime and she was getting tired. She would have gone to look for her, but unable to walk, it seemed like too much effort after a long day. 

Her mind immediately jumped to worst case scenarios:  _ what if Harper explained to her what’s wrong with me and she thinks I’m a burden now, or she decided she doesn’t love me anymore, or she killed herself like she was going to in the lab, or- _

She stopped herself, took a deep breath, and thought back on what she’d learned from Harper about how to calm herself down so far.  _ I’m lovable, I’m valuable, I’m worthy of help. Feel the feeling behind this fear to let it out. Read my list of my six things I like about myself. Think about something good that happened to counteract the fear.  _

She let herself cry the tears that she knew were about her mom leaving her at night, and not about Echo being late (it’s normal to still be upset about something that happened a long time time ago, and letting it out will help your body let it go over time, Harper had assured her), and then read her list to herself:  _ I have a beautiful mind, I do the right thing, I don’t give up when things are painful, I’m a good teacher, I’m an important part of Skaikru. _ She repeated her list twice for good measure, then turned off the light, laid down, and closed her eyes. She focused on a memory of Abby telling her how proud Sinclair had been of her (“not just because she’s a prodigy, but because she has such a good heart,” he’d said) in the lab one when she was being forced to rest after a seizure. The fear crept in a few times, but for the first time, she was able to overpower it all by herself and fell asleep minutes before Echo silently opened their door and walked to Raven’s side of the bed.

Echo sighed in relief when she confirmed that Raven was asleep with no signs of tear stains on her face. She leaned over and kissed the top of her head, feeling glad that she was peaceful but also an undeniable pang of worry that this meant Raven didn’t need her anymore.  _ Your skills are something you do, not who you are, and they’re not the reason people love you,  _ she reminded herself for the 100th time that day, hoping that this tidbit she’d overheard Harper telling Raven was true. She laid down and wondered how much she should tell Raven about why she’d been late in the morning.  _ I don’t want to lie to her, but Raven certainly doesn’t need guilt added to what she's already experiencing,  _ she thought as she replayed the conversation she’d just had with Bellamy. 

……….

**1 Hour Earlier**

Echo was taking her nightly walk around the ring. She no longer did this to patrol for danger, but to process everything she’d observed each day.  _ I suppose I’ve never loved anyone because of their skills, I wonder why I think that’s the only reason people haven’t killed me already? Hell, I had no clue what Raven’s skills were when she became my friend… I guess I knew they were important and kept us alive, but using that as a strategic reason to take care of her doesn’t even cross my mind anymore, I kind of just.. Do it because I love her, I guess. And I was completely useless up here for months and they still haven’t killed me, and Raven always wants me when she’s upset even though anyone is capable of holding her, which also isn’t really a skill-  _

A rush of adrenaline and an urge to grab a weapon came as she was interrupted by the sight of a person on her walk, but went away in an instant as she rationalized that it wasn’t strange for a person to be looking out of a window in their home, even if she’d never seen him there on her nightly vigil before. 

“Hey Bellamy,” said Echo, joining him at the window.

Bellamy jumped. He hadn’t heard her coming, both because she was freakishly quiet and because he was deeply preoccupied. “Hey Echo,” he said, glancing at her for only a second. 

Echo noticed an unusual heaviness in his voice and sadness in his eyes. “Are you thinking about your sister?” she asked.

“What do you care about my sister?” Bellamy responded, not looking away from the scorched earth outside the window.

Echo paused for a moment to gather her thoughts, not expecting for this conversation to happen right now. They’d been learning to understand each other over the past six months, but had been feeling the tension of their complicated past more recently as Skaikru became closer. “Bellamy, I’m sorry that I almost killed Octavia, and I’m sorry that betrayed you.”

“I believe you,” said Bellamy. 

“Do you still believe that we’ll never be able to trust each other again after what I did?”

Bellamy paused. “No, I don’t think I do.” He knew she wasn’t just a stone cold murderer, as he’d thought after the Octavia incident. He knew there was no strategic reason for her to have taught them her language. He knew she wasn’t faking her loyalty to them, especially her friendship with Raven. Nobody who was raised to be a sociopathic spy would be capable of play-acting such convincing gentleness for months. He knew these things, but needed more time to believe them. “But not yet.” He turned to look at her.

“What will it take for me to earn your trust again?” she asked.

“Listen, I believe that you care about everyone up here. I think I just need more time to be sure that this isn’t just another strategic alliance that you’ll abandon for better one as soon as we’re back on the ground.”

“This isn’t a strategic alliance. This is different.”

“Different how?”

“I didn’t love anyone in Ice Nation.”

Bellamy just nodded and stared straight ahead.

Echo continued. “I understand now...why you were always trying to protect Clarke and your sister, and the others, even when it didn’t make strategic sense... why you all chose to wait for Clarke until the very last second to leave earth, even though it was a risk that could have killed you all.”

Bellamy let a single tear fall. “Clarke shouldn’t have died.”

“It’s not your fault, you waited as long as you could.”

“No, it’s not all my fault, it’s Raven’s, too. If she hadn’t stayed in the lab, none of this would have happened.” 

Echo felt the opposite way about Raven’s choice. If she hadn’t stayed in the lab, Echo would have died banished and alone, and never gotten this second chance. She hoped one day Bellamy would see it that way at least a little bit, but let him have his feelings for now, like Harper had told Raven to do. 

Bellamy continued. “It was so selfish of her, she knew we needed her in the bunker. She knew someone would risk their life to come back for her, and because of that Clarke is dead and I don’t know if anyone is looking out for Octavia down there.”

“Actually, Bellamy, Raven thought for sure that she was going to die and that nobody would truly miss her, and that’s why she stayed behind.”

“Did she tell you that?”

“Yeah, she did.”

“Hm.” He thought for a minute. “She still shouldn’t have done it.”

“Why not?”

“Because she  _ knows _ how much we all love her, Echo,” said Bellamy, with frustration.

“How, did you guys tell her that?”

Bellamy paused. “Well, no but… actions speak louder than words, don’t they?”

“Sometimes. But I think Raven needs more words accompanying actions than most people.”

“What makes you think that?”

“It’s how her brain works, Harper said she has something called PTSD from everything that’s happened to her. She says we all probably do to some degree, actually. So, maybe she made the wrong decision, but we’ve all made decisions we regret that seemed like the only choice when we made them. I know you have, too.”

“Yeah. I have.” Bellamy thought for another minute. “I’m still angry, though.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?”

“220 days.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I heard Harper say that it’s good to feel whatever you’re feeling and talk about it, so I think you’re making a good decision right now.”

Bellamy half smiled. He made a mental note to consider talking to Harper tomorrow. Whatever she was doing with Raven was obviously helping her, and somehow Echo too. 

“Why are you still so kind to Raven all the time if you’re so angry with her?” asked Echo, interrupting a long moment of gazing out the window in silence.

Bellamy shrugged. “Because I still see everything that’s good in her, and I will always care about her. That’s just what you do for your family, I guess” he said as he looked at Echo again.

Echo smiled softly and turned her head again to look out the window. “Well, speaking of family, I should go check on Raven.” She realized she had no idea what time it was, and that the vast silences in this exchange could easily have added up to an hour. “Good night, Bellamy… Thank you for believing me.”

“Good night, Echo,” said Bellamy, turning again to the earth to look for any sign of hope that the rest of his family was somehow still alive down there.

  
  



	13. Day 227 on the Ring

Day 227

Echo was awake before Raven, as usual. She’d been watching her sleep for the past few minutes, which Bellamy had half-jokingly told her “was a little bit creepy” during one of their movie nights, but she was less staring and more wondering how their friendship would change if Raven were cleared to walk today. Echo had felt fulfilled by serving Raven for the past six weeks, and though this was different than serving Azgeda because this was a choice and not an obligation, she felt the same pit of dread in her stomach as when she’d been threatened with banishment. _Your skills are something you do, not who you are, and they’re not the reason people love you,_ she said to herself for the thousandth time that week, stifling her fear as Raven started to wake up.

“Good morning, early bird,” said Echo as Raven sat up with a yawn and reached for her water on the nightstand. 

“Morning,” said Raven. 

Echo got out of bed and handed Raven her clothes, then changed her own and helped Raven into her wheelchair.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Raven said with a smile.

Echo looked stoically confused as she quickly thought through her morning routine: _good morning,_ _ask her if she’s okay if she doesn’t look okay, water, clothes, wheelchair, breakfast._ Raven looked okay, so she was certain she wasn’t forgetting anything- _oh. right_ _._ Echo walked to the corner and picked up Raven’s brace, then knelt down to help her put it on.

“Not gonna lie, I haven’t missed wearing this thing,” said Raven as she fastened the last clasp. She hadn’t worn it for the past month as there was no point, but her face was shining with eager hope that today she would need it again. 

“Um, yeah- it looks uncomfortable,” said Echo passively. 

"Are you okay?" asked Raven, concerned by Echo's sullen mood.

"I just didn't sleep well," said Echo, patting Raven's tentatively healed kneel as she finished fastening her brace.

"Was I invading your side in my sleep again?" asked Raven, having woken up a few times to Echo gently pushing her back to her own territory because Echo had two inches of space before she would fall off.

"No, you left me a generous 12 inches," said Echo to lighten the mood as they left the room for breakfast, and the pit of dread returned in her stomach as she worried that this moment might be the last time Raven needed her, and she would be useless again.

……….

Raven choked down her algae within 30 seconds of sitting down, and then looked expectantly at Harper.

“Give me a minute Raven, my stomach’s as strong as yours,” said Harper with a smile that turned into a grimace as she drank the rest of her breakfast and stood up. “Echo, can you come with us today? Might need your help.”

Echo nodded and followed Harper their makeshift medical facility with Raven.

“Why do you need to help me if I’m going to try walking in like, a minute?” sassed Raven as Echo picked her up and put her on the exam table. 

“Because I don’t completely know what I’m doing, and we’re not taking any chances on your only functioning leg,” said Harper as she tucked a piece of Raven’s hair behind her ear. “I’m going to stretch it like usual, and then you’re going to be completely honest if anything hurts. Not exactly like usual."

“Oh c’mon, it hasn’t hurt for two weeks and it couldn’t POSSIBLY have gotten worse from all the sitting and sleeping I’ve _tortured_ it with,” said Raven, rolling her eyes as Harper started stretching her.

“How’s your left hip feeling?” asked Harper, ignoring Raven's semi-humorous irritation.

“Why don’t you just ask me these questions whenever? We see each other all day every day,” asked Raven, growing more impatient. 

“Because a structured schedule is good for your mind, especially if your environment is monotonous. So how’s your hip feeling?”

“Still a lot better, it hasn’t hurt for a while, I think you're right that the hip pain is just from overcompensating for the paralyzed part,” answered Raven.

“That’s great! I’ve been researching some physical therapy techniques so you can manage it more when you start walking, and maybe it won’t get as painful again.”

“Really?” said Raven hopefully.

“Yeah, we were a little busy protecting ourselves from mortal danger on the ground to think about it, but with this...Nice structured schedule, we have four and half whole years,” said Harper.

Echo prickled at Harper’s mortal danger comment as her and Raven continued bantering. _Was that directed at me? Is she implying that it’s my fault that Raven’s in so much pain? Is it my fault? I guess I didn’t even know her, so how could it be my fault, we were both just fighting for our people, but I thought we’d forgiven each other, even though I guess we’ve never said it outright-_

Harper interrupted her thoughts. “Echo, ready to help? I think Raven’s healed and ready to walk,” she said smiling at a glowing Raven.

Echo snapped back into reality and stood up to help Raven, and noticed a flash of fear cross her face. “You’re strong, you can do it,” whispered Echo as she helped Raven stand on her feet for the first time in six weeks.

“How does that feel Raven?” asked Harper.

“Weird, but it doesn’t hurt,” answered Raven, gripping Echo’s hand tighter.

“Okay, try taking a few steps, you’re doing great,” said Harper. “It’s not going to break,” she reassured, picking up on Raven’s sudden fear and knowing how worried she’d been that she’d be completely crippled forever.

Raven took a few shaky steps towards Harper, and her fear gave way to relief that while she felt extremely weak and stiff, nothing hurt or felt out of place. 

Raven kept walking towards Harper, whose eyes brimmed with happy tears as she slowly but surely reached her. Harper enveloped Raven in a hug, relieved that her friend was okay and proud of herself for a successful first doctor's job.

“I’m so proud of you, and I’m so happy you’re healing... I love you so much,” said Harper, squeezing her tighter.

“Love you too. Thank you, so much” said Raven, wiping away a few of her tears as they let go of each other.

Raven turned and wrapped her arms around Echo, who wasn't sure what she was feeling. “And thank you for taking such good care of me,” she said as Echo rested her head on top of hers, but didn't say anything.

Raven thought Echo’s silence was a little strange, _maybe she’s not as comfortable with Harper around, or doesn’t want her to know she has feelings?_ As she pulled away from Echo she thought for a second that Echo looked like she was going to cry. 

Harper noticed too. “Well, Raven, you’re good to go. Take it slow for a few days, ask me questions anytime. And hold onto your wheelchair for stability until you feel like you don’t need to.”

“I feel like I don’t need to,” said Raven, smiling ear to ear as she walked awkwardly towards the door. 

Harper heard the rest of their friends erupt in celebration as Raven left the room, and smiled as she saw Murphy and Emori aggressively hugging her and vaguely heard them saying something about how "she’ll never win another card game again."

Echo seemed unaffected by everyone else's joy and hadn’t moved, still staring absentmindedly towards the door.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” asked Harper.

“I don’t know,” answered Echo, copying one of Raven’s most ineffective deflecting tactics.

“You’re one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met, I think you know,” said Harper.

“Why do you want to know?” asked Echo.

“Because you’re part of Spacekru, and I care about you.”

Echo didn’t answer, copying another one of Raven’s tricks.

“Are you worried that Raven isn’t going to need you anymore?”

Echo still didn’t answer, knowing that Harper would know that this meant “yes.”

Harper put her hand on Echo’s shoulder. “Hey. She might not need you to follow her around 24/7, but you’re her friend and she loves you, and she knows how much you love her. You don’t know this, but you’re a huge part of the reason why she’s doing so much better.”

“What do you mean?” asked Echo.

“Every week when I ask her what was helpful to her when she was upset, it’s always you. But it’s not because of something specific you did, it’s always just that you were there for her, you listened to her and you loved her."

Echo felt a rush of warmth and smiled slightly, but still felt more overwhelmed with worry than anything.

"Friends need each other in different ways at different times, but they never _don’t_ need each other," Harper continued.

“She actually said that?” asked Echo.

Harper nodded. “She said a lot more things too. But I’m not going to tell you, because it sounds like you need to think of the things yourself for it to work,” she said with a wink.

Echo brushed away the single tear that had fallen. “Thank you,” she said.

“You’re welcome. Maybe you should start talking to me too, I have an open spot after Raven on Thursdays,” Harper quipped.

“Maybe,” said Echo. “Well, I’m going to take this out to the common room for when Raven needs it later,” she said grabbing the wheelchair. “She’s walking like a baby deer out there."

“I think it’s gonna be sooner rather than later,” laughed Harper. “Her brain might have the confidence but her muscles won’t for at least a few days. Thanks Echo, you’re a good friend.”

“And you’re a good doctor,” said Echo as she left the room, feeling hopeful that she might achieve her own healing someday.

  
  



	14. You Don't Have to Carry It

Day 241

“Are you  _ sure  _ that you’ve tried every possible takeoff speed?” said Bellamy to Raven, his voice fraught with desperation as they’d run out of solutions to explore in their daily meetings.

“For the 3rd time, yes. Every single one, unless you want to just try free falling and float around out there until a magical wormhole appears and takes us to earth,” answered Raven, more frustrated with herself than with Bellamy. 

Bellamy put his head in his hands for a moment, and then looked at the rocket and shook his head.

“What?” said Raven defensively.

“Nothing,” he answered, his eyes still on the rocket.

“Spit it out, Blake,” said Raven.

Bellamy continued silently staring at the rocket. What he  _ wanted  _ to say flashed through his mind:  _ since it’s your fault we were at the lab in the first place, and your plan that got Clarke killed, you’re responsible for getting us back down and you’re failing.  _ Bellamy knew that this wasn’t entirely true, it was just easier to take his anger and grief out on somebody else than it was to process it himself. He thought back to his conversation with Echo as he searched for words.

“I’m pretty angry that your plan has us stuck up here.”

Raven looked annoyed. “We’re not stuck, we still have four and a half years to figure this out!”

“Well you just told me our only option was magic, so it looks like we are!” said Bellamy. 

“Me, and Emori, and Monty are trying  _ everything _ we can think of, and we always think of something,” said Raven indignantly.

“Well you didn’t think of everything when you decided to stay back at the lab,” Bellamy retorted.

Raven’s face went from angry to hurt. “Yes I did,” she said harshly.

“Really? I don’t think so. If you had, you would have come back to the bunker with everyone else, and we’d all still be alive,” said Bellamy angrily, regretting it the moment he said it. 

“You mean Clarke would still be alive,” said Raven, her voice shaking.

Bellamy nodded, avoiding Raven’s face.

“You’re right. She would still be alive. I shouldn’t have asked you to come back for me,” said Raven shakily as she started to walk away, not knowing how to continue this conversation without erupting. 

“Raven, wait,” said Bellamy.

Raven turned around. “For what?” she said, tears beginning to escape from her eyes. “It’s my fault, I get it, I know.”

Bellamy paused and took a deep breath to calm himself. “It..it’s not all your fault. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“I asked you to come get me and you were already safe, it is,” answered Raven.

“No. It’s not. I’m sorry I said that. The Raven I know doesn’t make selfish decisions. So what’s the real reason you stayed in the lab?” Bellamy asked, sitting down.

Raven sat down a few feet away and picked at her shoelace. “Because I was dying, and I thought it’d be better if I didn’t waste a spot in the bunker.”

“But Abby could have done the same thing you did to fix your brain,” said Bellamy. 

“I didn’t know that until everyone left,” said Raven.

“But you knew she’d try?”

Raven shrugged, still looking down. 

“I also didn’t get to say goodbye to you. None of us did except Murphy.”

Raven brushed a tear away. “I didn’t think it was a big deal,” she said softly. “Jaha’s an engineer and so is Monty, they would have covered me just fine.”

“Maybe... but they’re not you.”

Raven looked up at Bellamy after a few seconds, still silent.

Bellamy was grateful for Echo’s clues on how to steer this conversation. The only person he’d had talks like this with Octavia and Clarke, and they were so different from Raven that anything he learned there wouldn’t apply here. “Why do you think we came back for you, if Jaha and Monty would have done fine without you?”

Raven knew, but it felt too awkward and even wrong to say, and she wanted someone to say it so she’d know it was true. “Why?”

“Because you’re our friend… and because we love you,” said Bellamy. 

Raven wiped away a tear. “I.. love you guys too. And I was really happy that you came back for me. I was so scared,” she said as her voice broke. “And I miss Clarke too.”

They sat together silently with their tears for several minutes, sharing the grief that they’d both been afraid to express around one another knowing that both of them, whether or not it was truly their fault, carried all the guilt of losing Clarke. 

Bellamy broke the silence. “I should have told you that a long time ago. We all should have.”

“That doesn’t make it all your fault though, either,” said Raven.

“No, it doesn’t, but... I understand why you did it and I forgive you,” said Bellamy.

Raven felt relieved. She hadn’t forgiven herself, but she’d accepted that there wasn’t any other decision that she was capable of making at that time, as she truly believed it was the least selfish thing to do. “Thank you. That means a lot… “but why have you been so nice to me the whole time up here if you were so angry?”

“Was I not nice to you before?” Bellamy joked.

“You had no reason not to be, I didn’t do anything but be awesome,” Raven quipped back.

Bellamy chuckled. “That’s a fact.” After a second he continued in a serious tone, “I’ve been kind to you because you’re my family, and I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

Raven looked into Bellamy’s eyes. “I don’t want to lose anyone else either.”

Bellamy stood up and held his hand out to help Raven up. “Anything else we need to fight about as long as we’re here?” he said, reverting to his joking tone. 

“Not unless you want to revisit throwing my escape pod radio away,” Raven said with a grin.

“I’m good,” Bellamy laughed, followed by an awkward silence.

“From now on, I think we should talk to each other right away if we’re angry,” said Raven, thinking back to a session with Harper where she’d told her it was better to handle emotions as soon as possible.

“You’re right. Should we bring that up to everyone at dinner tonight? I think it’d make us a stronger team.”

Raven nodded. “I think that’d be good. But I think we should ask Harper to do it.”

“Great. I’ll race you to her,” Bellamy winked as they left the docking bay.

Raven rolled her eyes. “Ha! You win, I’m going to my room anyways.”

Bellamy smiled. “See you at dinner!”

“See ya!” said Raven as she walked towards her room, thinking that if they were going to encourage confrontational conversations with each other, she might as well start now.

Echo was reading  _ The Hunger Games,  _ slightly disturbed by how similar to the ground it was, when Raven walked in. “Is this fiction or nonfiction?” Echo asked.

Raven gave her a look of disbelief, but as she recalled the plot she realized that was a really good question. “Fiction,” said Raven.  _ I wouldn’t be surprised if whoever invented grounder culture was inspired by it, though,  _ she thought. 

Echo looked doubtful but continued reading. 

“Can we talk about something?” Raven interrupted as she sat down on the bed beside Echo, saying it quickly before she could second guess herself.

“Are you okay?” asked Echo, immediately closing her book and sitting up straight. 

“Yeah, I’m okay, but... Are you?”

“I’m fine,” said Echo dismissively.

“Then why have you mostly been in here for the past week instead of out there with us, and why do you go to bed so late, and why did you tell Emori you didn’t want to teach us trig anymore?”

Echo didn’t say anything.

“Echo, I’m honest with you, please be honest with me too,” said Raven as gently as she could.

“Because you don’t need me anymore, and nobody else up here needs me either,” said Echo. She’d given up telling herself that her skills weren’t what made people love her, as it had grown exhausting. She had started letting herself believe the opposite again as Raven slept fine, walked fine and worked fine without her now, and everybody else had a partner. Well, except for Bellamy, but he was clearly necessary. 

“Were you helping me just to feel useful?” said Raven, her own insecurity creeping in.

“NO,” said Echo, more harshly than she intended.

“Then what do you mean?” asked Raven.

Echo thought for a moment before answering. “Yes, I felt useful when you needed me all the time. And there’s not a whole lot else I can add up here, so now that you’re fine I’m useless again. But I didn’t take care of you just to have a job to do, you know that.”

“So you can only be happy when I’m sad?” retorted Raven.

“No,” said Echo, fighting back tears. “It’s confusing, I wanted you to feel safe and feel better but then when you did I just... don’t feel like I have anything else to offer.”

“Well people don’t love other people for what they have to offer,” said Raven.

Echo had lost the ability to believe this when she said it to herself, and it was helpful to hear Raven say it to her. 

“You don’t love me for my skills, do you?”

“No. Honestly I don’t really even know what they are,” answered Echo. 

“So stop telling yourself that then. I know it’s hard to believe, but it isn’t true.”

Echo was angry at herself for making this so obvious, because she had overheard Harper telling these things to Raven and had even told all of them to herself. She should have tried harder. Time had made it difficult to continue though, and therefore her healing strategy wasn’t working as well as she’d thought it would. Her eyes began welling up, and Raven was shocked to see more than one tear escape. 

“It’s okay. I understand,” said Raven. “And… I’d like to hang out with you when I’m not upset too. You’re pretty fun when you’re not holding a weapon,” she tried to joke. 

Echo just nodded, her tears still flowing, much to her embarrassment. 

Raven looked at her, unsure of what to do in this new situation for a moment. “Um… how can I help you feel safe right now?” she asked, the same thing Echo always asked her.

Echo remained still for a few seconds, and then held her arms out to Raven. This was the first time anybody had comforted her since her parents, and the realization brought a fresh wave of tears as Raven held her and rubbed her back until she stopped crying. 

“Thank you for being honest,” said Raven as they let go of each other. “I know it sucks.”

Echo nodded. “Yeah. I see why you hate it so much now.”

“It’s not that bad when you have a friend to help you though, is it?”

Echo looked at Raven and smiled slightly.

“Hey, since my knee is healed and my injured leg is doing better, I’ve been thinking: can you teach me to fight?”

“I don’t know if it’ll be fun enough for you, I’ll be holding a weapon,” sassed Echo, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ll give it a chance,” said Raven with a smirk. “Also please, on behalf of the sky people, come back to trig class. Emori’s almost out of patience with us.”

“ _ Okay,”  _ said Echo in trig. “And since I’ve missed some of your English class this week, can you help me understand why anyone would write a fictional story about forcing children to fight to the death for their clan?”

Raven laughed at the irony. “I’ll try my best.”

  
  



	15. Vignettes from the Passing of Time 1

**Vignettes from the Passing of Time 1**

**1 year, 111 days**

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RAVEN!” shouted Bellamy, Monty, Emori, Harper, Murphy and Echo as Raven was the last one into the mess hall that morning for the first time ever.

Raven was startled for a second, before her eyes welled up with happy tears and Emori was the first to hug her. 

“How does it feel to be 20?” asked Harper.

“Pretty great so far,” she said as she sat down with the rest of the group. “How did you guys know?”

“Found census records in the main computer in the five minutes you and Emori haven’t been using it,” joked Bellamy as he handed her something lumpy tied up in a scrap of fabric across the table. “Open it!”

Raven smiled shyly as she untied the string and unwrapped the fabric, and more gratitude spilled out of her eyes as she held up a new black leather jacket, with patches of red from her recently worn out beyond repair old jacket sewn to the shoulders, and with substantially longer sleeves. She put it on over her sweater and zipped it up, very pleased to confirm that it both zipped and had room for a sweater underneath, unlike her old one. She’d refused to part with it until the fabric was flaking off in chunks, and Bellamy had asked for it to “use the lining for patch material.”

“Thought the children’s jacket needed an upgrade now that you’re not a teenager anymore,” said Bellamy, smiling.

“Thank you, so much. I love it,” said Raven.

“Murphy helped, and the red parts were his idea,” said Echo, putting her arm around Raven’s shoulders and giving her a squeeze.

Raven smiled at him and wiped away one of the few tears that had fallen. 

“I owed you one,” Murphy said with a wink.

“I don’t know what to say,” said Raven, overwhelmed with joy at their thoughtfulness.

“You don’t need to say anything,” said Monty, as he dished up another green breakfast. “We love you.”

“So much,” said Harper.

“I love you guys too,” said Raven, pausing to look around the table at her friends with earnest sentimentality before breaking into a grin and continuing, “Almost as much as I love these sleeves.”

* * *

**1 year, 253 days**

_Raven was tied to the stake in the Trikru village again. A soldier was starting to untie her after her innocence was proven when Abby interrupted._

_“No,” said Abby, taking the sword from Indra. “This is for killing my daughter,” she said as she made another cut on Raven's side, while Raven’s mother stood in the crowd, watching her blankly and shaking her head._

_“Mom! Mom! Please help me!” cried Raven, to no avail._

_Abby looked at her coldly. “I’m not your mom,” she said icily as she brought the knife slowly to Raven’s neck-_

Raven jolted awake at the sound of her own heartbeat and burst into tears. _Three deep breaths,_ she told herself as she laid back down, but she could still feel the chill of the blade and Abby’s hatred and her mom’s betrayal. She curled up to Echo, defeated, waking her up.

Echo quickly came to her senses and gathered Raven into her arms. "Did you have the dream again?" she asked.

Raven nodded against her chest. 

“Say the words,” said Echo.

“But it doesn't even help and it keeps happening, this is what, the 5th time this month?” Raven answered shakily.

“6th. I know talking to Harper again about new things has been hard, but you’ll overcome it this time too. Say the words, my girl,” 

Raven sniffled and took a breath. “I made the best choice I could, and I believe that it wasn’t my fault,” she said barely above a whisper.

“And?”

Raven sighed. “It’s normal to still want a mom and be sad I don’t have one.”

“Good,” whispered Echo absently, starting to fall back asleep.

“Do you wish you still had your mom?” asked Raven.

Echo snapped wide awake at her question, having been forbidden from having that thought for so many years. “I barely remember her,” half-lied Echo.

“That’s not what I asked you,” said Raven sleepily.

“No world ending or starting again can bring her back, so I don’t wish for anything,” said Echo hugging Raven a little tighter. “But I hope she knows I’m finding myself again.”

Raven would think about what that meant tomorrow, but for now she silently shut her eyes and unconsciously closed her hand around a piece of Echo’s sweatshirt as she relaxed.

“I’ll be right here if you need me,” whispered Echo.

* * *

**2 Years**

“So was that better than all of Murphy’s anniversary presents ever, yes or yes?” asked Raven as she took off her helmet, glowing with post-spacewalk euphoria.

“Yes. And yes,” said Emori as she pulled off her own helmet, with the awe of a child that believes they saw Santa lighting up her face. “It feels so… safe out there. Like nothing can come close to you and you can just… exist.”

“Sure if you wanna get deep with it, I just like it for the backflips,” joked Raven, unzipping her ancient spacesuit. “Other zipper first,” she said, noticing Emori struggling to take her suit off.

Emori successfully tried the other zipper. “Did you ever play like, space games?” said Emori mischievously. 

“Do you mean like quidditch but in space?” laughed Raven.

“Yyyees, that’s EXACTLY what I was thinking.”

“We used to joke about it actually, but the ark would lose vital oxygen anytime someone took a spacewalk, so.. No. I like the way you think though, as always.”

Emori smiled. “I like the way I think too. If I’d have been up here before, I could have been the _second_ youngest Zero-G mechanic in 50 years.”

Raven hung up her spacesuit. “Well, you’re up here now, and you _are_ the 2nd youngest Zero-G mechanic in 50 years. Well, 52 years. But whatever,” she said, beaming at Emori.

“I know this is like, torture up here, but I think this has actually been the best two years of my life,” said Emori, hanging her suit next to Raven’s.

“Well that’s not saying a lot for the first 18 years,” laughed Raven. “But in a lot of ways, me too,” she said, opening the airlock door into the rest of the ring.

Emori started to put her glove on, but then paused, and put it on the floor under her suit.

“You look badass,” Raven grinned.

Emori shrugged confidently, then whispered. “Wait, do you realize we just missed an opportunity to pretend something went horribly wrong so we can have actual food for lunch?”

“Well, today was just the practice round," Raven laughed. "Let’s save the drama for the _real_ spacewalk next week.”

  
  



	16. Vignettes from the Passing of Time 2

**2 years, 89 days**

Bellamy knocked on the door frame of Echo & Raven’s open room.

“Hey,” said Echo, pulling her sweatshirt over her head. “Do you need something?”

Bellamy stood in the doorway, unsure whether or not her response was an invitation to enter.

“You can come in, I don’t bite… unless I need to,” Echo joked.

A year ago Bellamy wouldn’t have known she was joking, as Echo’s version of a smile was usually a subtle shift in her eyes and a slight softening of her jaw. Now he knew, so he chuckled and walked in to sit on the chair across from Echo.

“I’ve been watching Raven learn to fight-”

“I can teach you too,” interrupted Echo, more eagerly than she’d intended.

“Great,” said Bellamy, followed by a silence that felt too comfortable for two people who weren’t supposed to fully trust one another yet.

“I thought you said watching Raven was creepy,” Echo said, still joking, breaking the silence.

“It is the way you do it,” quipped Bellamy. 

Echo rolled her eyes at him. 

“I’m just kidding, it’s actually kind of sweet. And I wasn't just watching Raven, I was watching you too,” said Bellamy, wishing he’d phrased that differently as soon as he’d said it, but surprised that it didn’t feel wrong.

Echo raised an eyebrow at him, sensing his nervousness and unsure how to respond. “Hm. Okay, well, I’m free if you want to start now,” she said with a shrug.

“Okay, cool,” said Bellamy awkwardly, as Raven walked in.

“Why is everyone so quiet, were you talking about me?” joked Raven.

“Ye”- started Echo, quickly interrupted.

“No, I just asked if she could teach me to fight,” said Bellamy.

“Can I watch? I’d love to see Bellamy get his ass kicked,” said Raven, grinning.

Bellamy was confused as he realized he was disappointed by the idea of another person joining them, and before he could process that feeling, he acted on it. “Maybe after a few lessons, I want to have at least a fighting chance of winning before I have an audience,” Bellamy said as casually as he could.

“Fair enough,” said Raven as she sat down in the overstuffed armchair and opened a copy of _1984_.

Echo too was perplexed by her relief that Raven, her favorite person in the universe, wouldn’t be coming along, but shoved the feeling deep down as she stood up and grabbed the practice swords out of the corner and handed the smaller one to Bellamy.

“Don’t have too much fun without me,” called Raven as they left the room, wondering if she was imagining things or if Echo & Bellamy really were starting to like each other beyond their mutual respect. _Impossible,_ she thought, dismissing the thought as she started reading Orwell’s novel for what was probably the 1984th time.

__________________________________________________________________________

**2 years, 314 days**

“I’m glad you’re still taking your pain seriously, and that you told me about it,” said Harper. “Is your hip still feeling better after trying those new stretches as well?” 

Raven nodded.

“Do you want to talk next week too?” asked Harper.

“I probably won’t have figured out how to get us back down by then, so I guess so.”

“It makes sense that you’d be feeling anxious since we passed the halfway mark of being up here. It’s okay,” said Harper, squeezing her shoulder and standing up.

_Sometimes I don’t even know if I want to go back down there,_ thought Raven as they walked into the main room where everyone often spent their lazy afternoons when the ring was running without errors. Raven had recently begun savoring this part of the day with religious devotion, wanting to enjoy the calmness of their mundane existence before the impending and inevitable day where violence and death would become their routine again instead.

Murphy and Monty were throwing a small ball back and forth with their eyes shut. _“Anything can be fun with the right attitude,”_ Monty had said when he’d invented the game a few months ago.

“Hey! Watch it, you’re getting a little too close to the computers,” said Emori, looking up from the checkerboard she and Bellamy were playing an elaborate game with pieces from multiple board games on, another one of Monty’s creations. 

“Ha! I capture your dog, and wager two pawns,” said Bellamy, taking advantage of Emori’s diverted attention to gain an advantage. 

Harper sat down at the table where they were playing, hoping that Bellamy and Emori’s dynamic would be as entertaining as usual, and picked up the jacket she was piecing together for Echo out of various leather scraps and clasps from otherwise unusable garments that the original Arkers had left behind. 

Raven walked past them to the nearby couch where Echo was sitting, practicing some basic coding that Monty had taught her on a tablet. 

Echo held out her left arm as Raven sat down, not looking up from the tablet as she hugged her and rested her cheek on the top of Raven’s head for a second. “Any better?” she asked.

Raven nodded, and fought her sudden sleepiness while she watched Echo finish the rest of the coding sequence. “Flawless,” she said with a yawn as Echo put the tablet down.

“Hey, no sleep now or you won’t sleep tonight, remember?” said Echo, nudging her gently to sit up and then patting the ground in front of her feet. Raven sat down on the floor for Echo to braid her freshly washed and recently dried hair, as she’d started doing for all the girls a few months ago. 

“Any special requests?” asked Echo.

“Anything that takes a really, really long time,” said Raven.

__________________________________________________________________________

**3 years, 24 days**

“Did Echo just… laugh?” whispered Emori to Raven, looking at Echo and Bellamy washing the breakfast dishes.

“Well she’s laughed lots of times, but not like that,” whispered Raven, taking the headset off of her right ear.

“I’d bet an MRE that they’re into each other,” whispered Emori. “Has she said anything to you about it?”

Raven snorted. “She said he _“showed promise of becoming a formidable opponent_ ” after one of their fighting lessons one time, which for all I know could be top-shelf Azgeda flirting.”

“She hasn’t said _anything?_ There’s literally nothing to talk about up here at this point, you’d think even _she_ would be dying for some drama."

Raven shook her head. “Echo’s friendship is usually more of a comforting physical presence than an... interactive experience. She’ll speak if spoken to or if it’s really important, but otherwise she kind of just exists.”

“Well I wouldn’t be surprised if whatever’s going on over there becomes an interactive experience sometime really, really soon,” said Emori with a devilish grin.

“What are you, 12?” said Raven, rolling her eyes and putting her headset back on.

“I’m actually not 100% sure how old I am,” said Emori, putting on her own headset and pulling up the earth monitoring system on her computer. 

  
Raven glanced back over at Echo and Bellamy, knowing that Emori was right, their dynamic had gradually yet undeniably changed since she started teaching him to fight. She felt a pang of fear that if it their suspicion was true, she’d be abandoned again. _I believe my friends are telling the truth when they say they love me,”_ she reminded herself, calming the fear as she opened the radio program to scan for physical presence of life on earth for the 1118th time.


	17. You Don't Have to Worry

**3 years, 62 days**

_“Do you think you can be loyal to us?”_

Echo sat by the window replaying Bellamy’s words, trying to logically analyze what had just happened while the long-forgotten feeling of being kissed overwhelmed her. 

_I KNEW this was going to happen. It makes sense. He’s been acting the same way around me as he used to around Clarke, and looking at me similarly to how Murphy looks at Emori. So I don’t know why I’m so surprised. I feel good- great, about it… I think. And of course I can be loyal to him. I decided that when he let me come up here. Maybe I just feel good about being forgiven. I mean, it felt good, and I’d do it again, but- damnit,_ she thought, as the sound of uneven footsteps rounded the curve to her alcove. _Raven._

“What’s up with you?” Raven asked with a quizzical expression.

Echo quickly erased the noticeable emotion off of her face. “Nothing, just thinking.”

Raven sighed impatiently. “Do you happen to be thinking about the same thing Bellamy was just thinking about? I don’t know where his mind was just now, but it definitely wasn’t on our meeting.”

Echo stiffened and stared at the wall.

“I don’t know why you’re wasting your time, either you’ll tell me now before I get mad at you or later, after I get mad at you,” said Raven.

_Well played, Raven,_ thought Echo. _Withholding important information from her has never ended well before, and she’ll be more hurt if I tell her later._ The thought of hurting Raven was unbearable, so Echo took a deep breath, and told the truth. “Bellamy kissed me.”

Raven froze. _I knew this was coming. Why am I so surprised? Actually, I’m not surprised. They make sense as a couple. I should be happy for them but I think I’m just scared. Why does this feel like when Finn chose Clarke, we’re not a couple and besides they only kissed maybe it’s nothing-_

“Well?” interrupted Echo. “What do you think?”

Raven shrugged. “Do you think it means anything?”

Echo nodded slowly. “I think it does.”

“Why?” responded Raven with a little too much urgency.

Echo paused. “Why are you getting upset?”

“I’m not upset,” said Raven, as casually as she could. “Just surprised. I- I have to go check on the rocket now, see you later,” she said as she started walking away.

_You told me last month the rocket was useless until the day we go back to earth,_ thought Echo, watching Raven leave as a pit of dread grew deeper in her stomach. _I hope she knows this isn't me abandoning her. She has to know that, right? Or maybe I need her more than she needs me, and that's why I feel like this. I don't know._

……….

Raven walked past the rocket and straight to the conference room, looking for Harper in her usual afternoon spot, studying medical science. “Are you busy?” she asked timidly, walking in slowly.

Harper looked up from the computer and saw tears brimming in Raven’s eyes. “What’s wrong? Come here,” she said standing up and wrapping her arms around Raven when she didn’t answer.

“I don’t know,” said Raven after a minute, pulling away from Harper and sitting down in a chair.

Harper sat down next to her. “That’s okay, what are you feeling right now?”

“Scared, I think” said Raven, wiping away a tear.

“What made you feel scared?”

“It’s stupid.”

Harper raised an eyebrow at her.

Raven sighed, and recited impatiently “Fine. My feelings are valid and they can’t be stupid, but my behavior can be when I don’t acknowledge my feelings and work through them.”

“That’s right,” said Harper gently. “Try again.”

“Bellamy and Echo are becoming a couple,” said Raven shakily.

“Well, I know we all saw that coming, but that still makes sense that it’d be hard for you.”

“Why?” 

“I can't answer that for you. Why do you think?”

“It feels like when Finn chose Clarke, but that doesn’t even make sense, Finn was my boyfriend but Echo is just my friend,” said Raven through a fresh wave of tears.

“I think it makes sense. What do Finn and Echo have in common?”

“Um, well, they’ve both killed a lot of people?”

“Let me rephrase that. What do their relationships with you have in common?”

Raven thought for a minute, then answered softly. “They both took care of me, I guess.”

Harper nodded. “And you’ve lost a lot of people who either were supposed to or have taken care of you, right?”

Raven stared at the floor and nodded. “But I’m an adult, why do I still feel like this?”

“Because you’re a human, Raven. Needing other people doesn’t end when you turn 18. Especially if you didn’t have what you needed before that.”

“When does it end then?” asked Raven, looking up at Harper.

Harper shook her head. “It doesn’t.”

“Then how do I stop being sad about it?”

“Sadness is a part of knowing and loving other people, Raven,” said Harper, reaching for Raven’s hand.

“So I can’t make it go away?”

“You can choose to believe that you’re still lovable and that your friends love you too, but no, sometimes you can’t make it go away. And it won’t be forever.”

“Okay,” said Raven quietly.

“Also, for what it’s worth, I’m as certain as I can be that being with Bellamy wouldn’t change how much Echo loves you. Try telling yourself that until you have a reason not to, okay?”

Raven nodded, looking down again. “I still feel scared,” she said.

“I know,” said Harper, hugging her again, “I know.”

……….

**10 days later**

Echo rested on Bellamy’s chest as he ran his fingers through her hair, listening to the soothing hum of the ring in the late night. 

“I’m cold, I’m going to go get my sweatshirt,” she whispered, getting out of bed.

“Didn’t you used to live in a village made of ice cubes?” Bellamy joked.

“Yes, but I was cold then too,” she said as she put on her tank top and left the room, her mind racing. _I hope Raven’s asleep. I should have told her I wasn’t coming back, I know she actually cares. Sure, she should have told me that, but still._

Raven had taken Harper’s advice to believe that her friends loved her a bit too far since their conversation, and had chosen to deny that Echo and Bellamy were happening by never asking about it and by bringing up other conversation topics immediately whenever she was alone with Echo. Echo saw right through her scheme, but chose to let Raven be herself this time, frustrated that Raven wasn't being honest with her after three years of friendship.

Echo silently entered their room without knocking, leaving the door open and finding Raven curled up on her side of the bed, tearfully talking to herself. 

_“You’re okay, this won't be forever, you’re okay, you’re oka-”_

Echo put her hand on Raven’s shoulder, interrupting her, and sat down on the side of the bed next to Raven.

“What are you doing in here,” said Raven angrily, shrugging off Echo’s hand.

“Looking for my sweatshirt,” said Echo calmly.

Raven paused, then took a balled up piece of fabric out of the crook of her arm from under her blanket. “Here,” she said, her anger giving way to more tears.

Echo took the tear-dampened sweatshirt from her, then softened and set it down on the bed, putting her hand back on Raven’s shoulder. “Raven-”

“Just go,” said Raven, but didn’t shrug Echo off this time.

“Do you actually want me to go?”

“I didn’t, but then you left anyway."

"Is this about me, or about something that someone else did to you that this reminds you of?"

"I think both," Raven sobbed.

Echo held her arms out to Raven, then picked her up and took her to the big reading chair in the corner, knowing a change of scenery usually helped her calm down. It had been months since her last breakdown, the longest stretch since arriving on the ring, and Echo had wondered until now if that had been the last time she would get to hold her. 

Raven relaxed after five minutes, and looked up at Echo. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you were avoiding the topic like acid fog, Raven.”

Raven didn’t say anything. She had a good point.

“Why were you pretending it wasn’t happening?” asked Echo, stroking Raven’s arm to reassure her.

“Because I was scared you were going to leave me and... I wouldn’t be important to you anymore.”

Echo wiped a tear off Raven’s face and fought back her own. “Raven, that isn’t going to happen. I’m not your mom, or Finn, or anyone else who’s ever betrayed you.”

“How do you know?”

“Because loyalty is my weakness, especially to people I love, and I love you the most.”

“But what if you love Bellamy more than me someday?”

“I might love him differently someday, but not more.”

“Do you love him now?” Raven asked.

“Not yet, but I think I’m starting to,” said Echo. 

“Will you tell me when you do?” asked Raven.

“Yes,” said Echo.

“Sorry I was acting like I didn’t care. I really do.” said Raven, snuggling deeper into Echo’s arms.

“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I wasn’t coming back,” said Echo, kissing the top of her head. "Would you like me to get your blanket before you go to sleep?"

Raven shook her head. "Wait, but aren’t you cold?” asked Raven.

“No, not anymore,” said Echo, shutting her eyes.

……….

Bellamy woke up an hour later, and noticed Echo still hadn’t come back. _That’s weird, I_ ’ _d better go make sure she’s okay. Not that there are any threats up here, but better safe than sorry,_ he thought as he left his room. Raven’s door was open, and worrying that she’d gotten hurt, he looked inside. His heart raced for a second when he saw that her brace was on the floor and her bed was empty, until his eyes reached the chair in the corner. 

She was curled up on Echo’s lap, sleeping soundly. Echo opened her eyes, awoken by the movement, and smiled softly. 

_Raven must have had another nightmare,_ Bellamy thought, oblivious to the fact that he had anything to do with her distress. He smiled back, and any remaining fear he had that Echo was still too hardened by her past dissipated. _“Good night,”_ he whispered.

  
 _“Good night,”_ whispered Echo, closing her eyes again.


	18. You Don't Have to be Responsible

**3 Years, 63 Days**

Echo woke up the next morning, her back sore and her arm numb with Raven still sleeping on her collarbone. She shifted, hoping to wake Raven up, but resigned herself to the discomfort when she didn’t stir.  _ I wonder if this is what Raven’s leg feels like, or if it just feels like nothing? _

Echo shut her eyes, but instead of falling back asleep, the confusion of the last few weeks and the exhaustion from last night overtook her thoughts, and time passed unnoticed until she heard a knock at the door. 

“Hey, it’s Harper.”

“It’s open,” said Echo, opening her eyes and quickly wiping away the uninvited tears that fell from them.

“It’s almost 10 am, you guys are usually up hours before that, so we were wondering if something happened,” said Harper as she walked in, her face changing from cheerful to concerned as she saw Raven’s flushed face and Echo’s vulnerable one. “What’s going on?” she asked, pulling up a chair in front of them and putting her hand on Echo’s knee.

“I’m so tired, and so confused,” admitted Echo.

“Does it have something to do with this little one?” Harper asked, putting her hand on Raven’s unusually red forehead, and then her neck.

Echo nodded.

“She’s really, really warm,” said Harper. “I don’t know how she could possibly have gotten sick, what happened?”

“I stayed with Bellamy last night and didn’t tell her, and when I came back for my sweatshirt she was having another breakdown,” said Echo, another tear escaping.

“Oh, okay. That makes sense. Sometimes if people cry for an extended time, the anxiety and dehydration can cause a fever. She’ll have a bad headache today, but she’s okay. And Echo- it’s not your fault,” said Harper, noticing the guilt on Echo’s face.

“It is my fault, she was upset because of me,” said Echo, wiping her eyes.

“Well, yes, but you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings.”

Echo looked down at Raven’s peaceful face, not saying anything.

“What are you thinking about?” Harper asked gently.

Echo sighed, then answered slowly, the only hint of distress in her voice a slight crack. “I love her so much, but I think I also care about Bellamy and want to love him-maybe I always have- and I don’t know how to do that without hurting her, or how to do that at all, or how to know for sure if that’s what I want.”

“Thank you for telling me, those things all make a lot of sense,” said Harper. “Did she tell you that you’re hurting her?”

“Only last night, when I didn’t tell her I wasn’t coming back.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Like I failed her.”

“Anything else?”

“Like she might not love me anymore,” said Echo, another tear falling.

“Do you want to hear what I think?” asked Harper.

Echo shrugged. “You seem to be an expert, and I don’t know what to do, so I guess.”

“I think that your love comes from a genuine place, but I think you confuse the expectations of love with your former expectations of military loyalty. There’s room for mistakes, and forgiveness, and conversations in love. And like I said before, you’re not responsible for the lives of others in love like you are responsible for the lives of others in military loyalty. Does that make sense?”

Echo thought for a minute, then nodded. “So I’m not doing anything wrong by wanting to be with Bellamy, even though she needs me?”

Harper shook her head. “No. Raven is responsible for her feelings, not you. If you chose to start ignoring her, that would be wrong, but you don’t have to make all your decisions around her. You can still love and care for her even if you choose to be with Bellamy.”

“Have you told her that?” asked Echo, holding Raven a little tighter.

“She wasn’t ready for that yet, but I think she is now,” said Harper. “She’s come a long way.”

“I’ve never met anyone as brave, intelligent and passionate as her,” said Echo. “I’d almost started to forget that she’s still in so much pain sometimes.”

“Sounds like someone else I know,” said Harper, patting Echo’s arm. 

Raven opened her eyes slightly, and feeling the weight of a pounding headache as she gained consciousness, closed them again.

“Good morning, Raven,” said Harper softly. 

Raven whimpered once and rubbed her eyes, still not opening them.

“I’m going to go get you some water,” said Harper, leaving the room.

Echo started stroking Raven’s hair, and rocked her slightly. “How long have you been awake?” she whispered.

“Since you said I was awesome,” said Raven hoarsely, and then coughing.

Echo was relieved. She didn’t want to have the conversation she and Harper just had right away, not while Raven was still hurting. “Good. How are you feeling?”

“My head and my eyes and my hip are hurting and I want to throw up,” she said as Harper returned.

“This will help with at least three of those things,” said Harper, handing her a full glass of water. 

Raven finished it and handed Harper the glass back. “Thanks,” she said.

“You’re welcome. I think showering and taking it easy for the rest of the day would help too. Monty made up a new game he wants to teach everyone, so there’s no way any work is going to get done anyways,” Harper said with an eye roll.

“Also, if I don’t move soon, I think my arm is going to be permanently numb,” said Echo with a slight smile.

Raven sat up and stretched. “Sounds great to me, then we could be paralyzed together,” she said with as much of a smirk as she could muster through her headache.

Harper handed Raven her brace. “I’d prefer if we kept the extreme injuries to a minimum,” she said with a smile. “Would you like me to stretch your hip before you shower?”

Raven nodded, and stood up to move to the bed.

Echo shook her arm out subtly, cringing internally at the unsettling tingling of her blood flowing back into it. “I’m going to go eat,” she said, patting Raven’s leg reassuringly before putting on her jacket and walking to the mess hall.

Bellamy was sitting at the table reading, as she had hoped, a bowl of algae sitting next to him, both waiting for her. He looked up and smiled as she approached. “Good morning, sleepyhead,” he said. Echo kissed the top of his head, pleasantly surprising him, and sat down. “Are you okay? And is Raven okay?” he asked.

“Yeah. We’re okay. We were both just scared.”

“Scared of what?” Bellamy asked, concerned.

“The past. But I’m trying to learn how to live in the present, and so is she,” said Echo, looking into his eyes.

“Me too,” said Bellamy. 

Emori looked over at them from the nearby computer, where she’d been eavesdropping. “Same, because honestly the past really, really sucked,” she said.

“I’ll drink to that,” said Murphy, holding up his glass of water and then downing it in one gulp. 

“Are there no secrets up here anymore?” laughed Bellamy.

“Not when you’re this bored,” said Monty from the living room area where he was setting up another elaborate board game. 

Echo shook her head, smiling softly, and drank her breakfast quickly, the acrid taste the only thing she wasn't used to after three years in the sky. “Of all the things up here, this is the one I least want in my future,” she joked, setting the bowl down.

“What do you want most?” asked Bellamy.

Echo paused. “I don’t think I’ve ever thought about that,” she said thoughtfully, “ But I think I might already have it.”


	19. Vignettes from the Passing of Time 3

__________________________________________________________________________

**3 years, 112 days**

“Well this is a very different story than  _ War and Peace  _ so far,” Echo said, placing the open copy of  _ Little Women _ upside down the nightstand to mark their place.

“In a good way or a bad way?” asked Raven.

“I haven’t decided yet,” replied Echo. “I’ll see you in the morning, but if you need me just-”

“Hit the wall a few times, you’re a light sleeper and you’ll hear me. I remember, I’m a genius after all,” interrupted Raven with a grin.

Echo rolled her eyes and pulled Raven into a hug. “I know you are. But sometimes you forget things like that.”

“Love you,” said Raven quietly.

“I love you too,” said Echo, letting go of her and standing up to leave.

“Don’t have too much fun without me,” joked Raven as Echo turned off the light.

“Ha. Good night,” said Echo as she left for her and Bellamy’s room, hoping Raven would sleep well and knowing that she herself would not. 

_ I don’t know if I’m worried about her, or if I just miss her, or both. And I don’t know how I can miss her and how this can feel right at the same time, but I’ve made my decision,  _ she thought. She opened the door where Bellamy was in bed, reading  _ Brave New World.  _ He looked up and smiled, and put down the book. 

“Hey,” said Bellamy, turning down the blankets on her side. “Raven still good tonight?”

“Yeah, she’s still good,” said Echo climbing into bed and snuggling up to him. “I’m exhausted though, mind if I just go to sleep?”

“Of course,” said Bellamy. “You don’t need to ask for permission,” he said, kissing the top of her head and then turning off the light. “Good night.”

“Good night,” said Echo sleepily, closing her eyes.  _ I feel safe, that’s not the problem... I think- I think I prefer BEING the safety. At least I did. Maybe not anymore. Maybe it’s good to like both. Maybe Harper’s right, and it’s good to love more than one person, and more than one person can love you back even if you both love other people.  _

She pored over these thoughts for another hour, eventually finding peace to sleep after one last thought:  _ well, at least Raven would be happy to know I’m not having too much fun without her. _

__________________________________________________________________________

**3 years, 343 days**

“Is she breathing?!” choked Raven before Monty even had Emori’s helmet all the way off.

“I don’t think so,” said Harper as calmly as she could with the growing lump in her throat. “Can you tell me what happened again? I couldn’t hear you clearly the first time with your helmet on.”

“I don’t know, she’d handed me a wrench just a few minutes before but then when I went back to the airlock she didn’t follow me,” said Raven, panic rising in her voice. 

Murphy arrived breathless to the airlock ahead of Echo and Bellamy a minute later, his face falling as he saw Harper trying to resuscitate Emori on the floor. He locked eyes with Raven, who was crouched on the nearby wall, and sat down beside her. 

“What happened?” he asked, ashamedly wiping away a tear. 

Raven put her head on his shoulder as best as she could in her spacesuit. “I don’t know,” she said, squeezing his hand.

Echo sat down on Raven’s other side and rested her hand on her leg.  _ “Whatever happened, it’s not your fault,” _ she whispered. 

Raven grabbed Echo’s hand, and the three of them watched and waited for 15 seconds that felt like an hour. 

_ I love Emori and I don’t want to lose her, but I was so relieved it wasn’t Raven,  _ thought Echo. 

_ I can’t lose another person I love,  _ thought Raven.

_ I can’t live without her,  _ thought Murphy. 

Violent coughing snapped them out of the fear, as Harper’s breath brought Emori back to consciousness. 

Murphy scrambled to her side and brushed her hair away from her face, letting the tears of relief that were falling freely do the talking for him. He and Bellamy sat her up and unzipped her bulky suit, while Harper asked her a few questions to make sure she didn’t have brain damage after what she estimated was 3.5 minutes without oxygen.

Echo helped Raven, who was still watching Emori with a familiar numb expression, get her heavy suit off. “Is this reminding you of what happened with Finn?” she asked gently.

Raven took her second leg out of the suit. “Yeah.”

Echo straightened out Raven’s messy, sweaty hair. “What’s different about this time?”

“It isn’t my fault, and nobody’s going to prison or dying, and also I’m mainly just scared because I thought she was dead,” she said, wiping away a tear.

“Say that to yourself four more times,” said Echo, picking up the suit to hang it up.

Raven went and sat down by Emori, pulling her into a hug. “I thought I lost you,” she said. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” said Emori. “I thought I had enough oxygen for a few more minutes.”

“We’ll figure it out later. I’m just glad you’re okay,” said Raven through fresh tears of relief.

“You know what I’m glad about?” said Emori.

“That we all love you enough to be this scared of losing you?” said a watery-eyed Harper.

“Well, yes,” said Emori, her own eyes brimming with tears. “But mostly, I’m just glad that we get to have some real food for dinner tonight,” she said grinning mischievously at her family.

“That’s my girl,” said Murphy, picking her up.

“You need to rest for the rest of the day, okay? I’ll bring you some water and a snack to get your body back up and running,” said Harper.

“I can do it Harper,” said Raven eagerly, following Murphy and Emori towards the door.

“Wait, which meal do you want me to make, Emori?” asked Monty.

“Let’s do... the soy steak and mashed potatoes one for six of us, and the last spaghetti one for Raven.”

__________________________________________________________________________

**4 years, 112 days**

“Can you repeat the options?” asked Monty.

“Squirrel, bear or deer,” said Raven.

“How could you have not believed that any of those existed?” asked Murphy.

“Because I was six, and because we lived in space,” said Raven, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Wait I remember, it’s a deer! Because you didn’t think animals could have trees growing out of their heads,” said Emori.

“Correct!” said Raven. 

“And Emori wins the Raven round by one point, securing the victory” said Monty, moving Emori’s gingerbread man past the final rainbow space on the decrepit candyland board.

Echo looked at the ground while Emori celebrated. _Why didn’t I know that? must have missed that sleepover..._ _actually, calm down Echo this isn’t important, and it doesn’t mean anything,_ she thought. 

“Told you guys we didn’t know  _ everything _ about each other yet,” said Monty.

“If we didn’t before, we probably do now after 4 hours of that,” said Bellamy.

“You think? What’s my favorite element then?” asked Raven.

Bellamy looked her in the eyes. “Trick question. It used to be Tungsten because you thought the name was funny, but when you were 12 and Marie Curie became your hero, radium and polonium became your favorites-”

Everyone else joined in for the last part of the sentence. “But now it’s caesium, because radiation is just boring now.”

Raven nodded, looking impressed. “I stand corrected.”

Harper jumped in. “What was my father’s middle name?”

“Earnest,” said Murphy, immediately.

“What is the only test I ever failed?” asked Monty. 

“Climbing the rope in 1st grade. Which is also the only test Murphy passed,” joked Bellamy. Murphy shot him a dirty look, more offended than Bellamy thought he would be, but he shrugged it off.

Monty nodded. “Bonus points if you know why I fai-”

“Your hands were too slippery because you didn't wash them after eating pizza for lunch,” interrupted Raven.

“Who was my best friend when I was in 3rd grade?” asked Bellamy.

“Trick question. Octavia,” said Echo. 

“What was the first thing I ever killed?” asked Emori, unintentionally killing the mood.

“Deer,” said Echo, realizing that’s how Raven’s deer story had naturally come up in conversation.

“A guy named Dax,” said Bellamy, looking down.

“Grounders,” said Monty. 

“Me too,” said Raven.

“A kid named Myles,” said Murphy.

“Damn.” Said Emori, sullen. “What about you, Echo?”

Echo visibly swallowed and took a deep breath.  _ Sometimes I don’t remember if it happened, after all these years of becoming who my best friend was supposed to be. I can’t tell them, not yet. Wait- Emori’s question wasn’t actually about people. So this isn’t even lying.  _ Relief flooded her mind. 

“I don’t remember, probably a squirrel or a chicken,” she said with a casual shrug. 

“It took you that long to come up with that?” asked Murphy quizzically.

Echo paused and then nodded. “Well, on that note, looks like it’s fight o’clock,” she said with a smirk. “Tournament style. First round pairs are Monty & Raven, Bellamy & Murphy, Emori and Harper.”

“Ugh. C’mon, you could have at least given me a chance today, Echo,” joked Monty as they followed Echo to the mats.

“I’ll make a fighter of you yet, Green,” said Echo lovingly.

Harper and Emori made eye contact and shook their heads behind his back. 

“I appreciate your confidence, but I doubt it,” laughed Monty.

Bellamy patted his shoulder. “Well, fighter or not, you make up for it by keeping us alive in so many other ways."

"We all do," said Monty, making his way to the mat and shaking Raven's hand.

"Begin in 3, 2, GO," said Echo, beginning an afternoon of fighting that unlike those on the ground, was meant to preserve life, rather than cause death. _I hope it stays this way when we go back to the ground. Just for fun, and occasional defense. I know it won't, and I don't even know if I want it to, but still...I hope it does._


	20. Five Years

**5 Years**

Raven was the last one to the mess hall that morning, her sullen entrance depleting any glimmer of hope Spacekru had that this would be their last day on the ring. She sat down at the table, her blatant refusal to make eye contact with anyone thickening the tension that had been steadily building for the past months as it became clear that they would probably die here.

“I’m sorry,” she said steelily at nobody in particular, still looking down.

Bellamy sighed. “It’s not your fault,” he said with frustration.

After another blank silence, Raven finally looked across the table at Bellamy. “Stop lying to me. You know it is. You all know it is, and you don’t need to pretend it isn’t anymore,” she said harshly, fighting back tears. 

Another stiff silence hung over them, until Bellamy interrupted. “Raven,” he sighed, “we’ve all been over this. Just because you’re part of the _reason_ we’re here, doesn’t mean it’s your _fault_.”

Everyone else remained silent.

“Well I don’t hear anyone else arguing,” said Raven under her breath.

“Maybe if you didn’t start crying and run to your servant anytime something threatens your perfection we would be,” said Murphy, looking at Raven icily. 

Raven didn’t react, and shrugged Harper’s hand off of her shoulder when she tried to comfort her.

“What the hell is wrong with you John?” Emori snapped, hitting his arm.

“What’s wrong with me?! I’m going to die a slow and painful death up here, just like all of you, because of Raven’s mommy issues,” said Murphy apathetically. 

“Stop it Murphy,” said Echo through gritted teeth, glancing at Raven, who was still unmoving.

Emori glared at him in unbelief. “I think you should take a break,” she spat under her breath.

“He’s been taking a break for five years, I think he’s good,” said Harper sarcastically.

Murphy flipped her off and moved to stand up.

“WAIT,” shouted Bellamy. “This isn’t who we are,” he said, looking at Murphy. “We’re a team. We’re supposed to _tell_ each other how we’re feeling so stuff like this doesn’t. keep. Happening.”

Murphy hesitated, then sat back down. 

“Let’s go around and share what we’re feeling, nothing is off limits, and nobody talks if it isn’t your turn. I’ll go first,” Said Bellamy, not pausing to give anyone a chance to argue. “I’m frustrated that we haven’t found a way back to the ground, and I feel a lot of pressure to find one because I know I’m partly responsible for us being up here.”

Another silence followed.

“You’re to my left Monty, you go next.”

Monty sighed. “I’m grateful we’re still alive and well,” he said with a shrug. “And I’m tired of all the complaining. It won’t make any of us find a solution faster,” he said glancing at Murphy.

“I’ll pass,” said Murphy, avoiding his turn.

“No,” said Emori, glaring at him.

He glared back for a second, and then gave in. “Fine. I’m tired of you all treating me like I’m the least important member of this “ _team.”_ Next.”

“I’m tired of not being seen as my own person or being given credit for working on a way to get us back to the ground,” said Emori, her voice cracking slightly. 

“I’m tired of people not taking responsibility for their own actions after we’ve talked about all of these things so many times,” said Harper.

Raven was next, but didn’t say anything. 

Echo reached for Raven’s hand under the table. Raven tried to pull away, but Echo tightened her grip until Raven relaxed.

“I’m sorry,” said Raven hoarsely, and then squeezed Echo’s hand so she would talk.

Echo took a deep breath. “Sometimes I don’t know if I want to find a way down anymore,” she said, a tear falling uninterrupted. Half of Spacekru had never seen her upset before, and it was rare for the ones who had. They stared at her, unsure of how they should react.

“Why?” asked Harper gently, breaking the silence.

“Because there’s nothing for me down there that I don’t have up here, and the chance of losing what I have up here is much greater down there,” said Echo softly.

Raven looked at her sympathetically.

“Echo you’re not going to lose us down there,” Bellamy reassured, putting his hand on her shoulder.

“Says the man who promised Raven she was smart enough to find a way down in the first place,” said Murphy.

Raven gave up and let her tears start falling. She and Murphy pushed each other’s buttons often, but it had only felt like petty frustration before, not purposefully hurtful.

Monty glared at him. “And you wonder why you feel like the weak link,” he said.

Emori shook her head. “What exactly are you hoping to accomplish with this John?”

“You all let little miss perfect over there say and do whatever she wants because she’s “ _hurting_ ,” but when anybody else gets upset you just gang up on them and tell them to get over it because “ _we’re a family_ ,” he said spitefully. 

“And I wonder who’s responsible for her hurting, as long as we’re blaming people?” said Echo angrily, though she was gently rubbing Raven’s thumb as Raven grew noticeably more afraid.

“Getting upset isn’t the same as verbally insulting your friends because you’re insecure,” interjected Harper.

Raven focused on breathing so she wouldn’t lose control. _It isn’t all my fault. I’m not perfect and that’s okay, I’m still lovable,_ she thought, over and over, drowning out the fear that Murphy was right, and that she would lose her family because she couldn’t figure out how to get back to the ground. 

“EVERYONE STOP,” shouted Bellamy, looking at each of them in the pause that followed, silent except for Raven’s stifled sniffling. “Just stop. What’s really going on here?” he asked, meeting Murphy’s eyes.

Murphy stared back at him. “Why are you looking at me?”

Bellamy just raised an eyebrow. 

Harper interrupted. “Murphy, your feelings matter, but that was completely uncalled for. If there’s something else going on you should tell somebody, but it’s not Raven’s fault.”

“You owe her an apology,” said Monty.

“And a leg,” said Echo under breath so only Raven could hear.

“That doesn’t really sound like a group activity,” said Murphy.

“Well you made hurting her a group activity, so I disagree,” said Emori.

Raven pushed her chair away from the table and clumsily stood up. “Just stop,” she said defeatedly, pushing Echo away when she stood up to follow her.

Echo glared at Murphy. “Go,” she said.

“Go where? Go float myself?”

“No,” said Echo. “Go fix what you broke before it’s too late.”

……….

Half an hour later, Echo, Emori, Monty, Harper and Bellamy sat in the living room, lost in their own thoughts. 

“It’s too quiet. Do you think we should check and see if they’ve killed each other?” asked Monty.

“No. Neither of them yell when they’re at their angriest or saddest,” said Harper, “it’s probably a good thing.”

Echo sat next to Bellamy on the couch, resisting the overwhelming urge to go rescue Raven because she knew that this wasn’t something anyone but Raven and Murphy could fix.

Emori rested her head on Echo’s shoulder, wiping away an occasional tear. _I didn’t know he was holding on to all of that. Why didn’t he tell me? I thought he loved Raven, where did all of that come from?_

……….

Murphy sat against the wall across from Raven, who sat on the floor against her bed. He’d apologized as sincerely as he could through his genuine anger, and then they’d sat in silence for twenty minutes.

“I don’t know where that came from,” said Murphy.

“Yes you do,” said Raven, still crying. “Think harder.”

“How do I know you won’t tell everyone else?” asked Murphy skeptically.

“I’ve kept much more interesting secrets,” said Raven impatiently.

“Fine,” said Murphy, turning his head away from Raven towards the window. “I don’t like that Emori goes to you first for everything now.”

“Is that it?” asked Raven.

Murphy didn’t say anything.

“Keep going,” said Raven.

“It doesn't matter to anyone if I live or die up here. Nothing would change,” he said.

“What does that have to do with me?” asked Raven.

“Because you’re the reason we’re alive, and now you’re the reason I might not have a reason to stay alive,” he said, turning his head back towards her and meeting her eyes.

“Do you really think that? Or am I just the easiest person to blame because seeing me every day makes you feel guilty that you’re the reason that I’m the reason we’re up here?”

“Can you repeat the question? I’m not a genius,” said Murphy in a failed attempt to lighten the mood.

“We wouldn’t be up here if I wasn’t paralyzed in the first place. So technically, if you want to keep blaming people, you’re the reason we’re up here and I’m a constant reminder of your guilt?”

Murphy’s eyes brimmed with tears now. “Yeah. That about sums it up.”

“How long have you been holding on to that?” whispered Raven.

Murphy shrugged. “Five years, give or take.”

“Do you want to keep holding on to that?” asked Raven.

Murphy shook his head.

“Then what are you going to do about it?” asked Raven, summoning empathy as she remembered the many times Harper had talked her down from her belief in her worthlessness.

“I don’t know what to do about it. Do you?”

“Stop telling yourself you’re worthless and believe people when they say they love you. That’s a start,” said Raven, wiping her eyes with her sleeve and then taking it off because the wet cuffs were making her cold. 

Murphy reached for her sweatshirt on the shelf above him and tossed it to her.

“Thanks,” said Raven, putting it on. 

Murphy stood up and offered his hand to help her stand up. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

“I know,” said Raven, accepting his help. “But this isn’t over. Think about it and tell me the full story tomorrow,” she said leaving the room in front of him and walking back to the common area.

Echo heard the familiar jagged footsteps coming toward them and made room on the couch for her before they rounded the corner. Raven planned to sit on the floor instead, too embarrassed for Echo to hold her in front of everyone after what Murphy had said. _What if they feel the same way he does?_ She thought as she entered the room, but then noticed that nobody was sitting alone. _He doesn’t even really feel that way,_ she reminded herself as she sat down between Echo and Emori and let Echo kiss her forehead.

Murphy looked away and sat down on the floor.

“ _Any better?”_ whispered Echo.

Raven nodded, and tried not to close her eyes and pretend it was another day.

“Everybody okay?” asked Bellamy. When nobody responded except for a halfhearted shrug from Monty, he continued. “I think we need to establish some new rules since we don’t know how much longer it will be until there’s a solution. All in favor?”

Everyone raised their hand, even a reluctant Murphy.

“Good. First, time comments. We don’t make comments to people actively working on a solution about how long we’ve been up here. Standard consequences for violation. All in favor?” 

Everyone raised their hand again.

Monty continued. “Second, grudges. We don’t, under any circumstances, hold onto resentment towards anyone. We address conflict immediately. Moderated intervention for violation. All in favor?”

Everyone raised their hand. 

“What if the intervention doesn’t work?” asked Harper.

“Let’s trust each other and hope that doesn’t happen,” said Bellamy.

Emori interjected. “Third, taking credit and placing blame. Don’t accept full credit for something you had help with, and don’t blame anyone for something you took part in. Full group conversation for violation. All in favor?”

Everyone agreed.

“Anything else?” asked Bellamy.

“Freedom for anyone to propose new rules or changes to rules at any dinner unprompted,” said Harper. “All in favor?”

After another unanimous vote, Bellamy wrote down the new rules on their well-worn social contract, then set it down. “This is really hard,” he said looking at Echo and then Raven, his voice cracking.

Raven started crying again, and allowed herself to close her eyes and snuggle up to Echo.

Emori looked over at Murphy, and moved to sit next to him when he looked back with rare tears in his eyes.

Harper patted Emori’s shoulder as she sat down, and reached for Monty with her other hand.

  
Echo rubbed Raven’s back and wrapped her other arm around Bellamy as she thought. _This isn’t hard for me, yet, so take as long as you need to find us a way back down. Even if it’s forever, take as long as you need._


	21. Five Years Continued

**5 Years Cont.**

_I was so sure she wouldn’t be able to sleep after today,_ thought Echo, pulling the blanket up to Raven’s shoulders. She’d gone limp on Echo’s shoulder two pages into _Beowulf,_ which normally Echo would be proud of, but tonight she was overwhelmingly disappointed by.

“ _You know where I am if you need me,”_ she whispered, and fought the tears prickling behind her eyes as she turned off the light and shut the door.

Echo entered her and Bellamy’s room as silently as she’d left Raven’s, and found him softly snoring next to the turned down blankets on her side of the bed. She turned off the light, sat down, and let her tears fall unchecked. 

_Am I the only one who’s afraid tonight? Can they tell, and do they care?_

She laid down and buried her face in her pillow. 

_I can’t lose them, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…_

She turned on her back and took three deep breaths, as she’d calmly reminded her loved ones to do so many times before.

_What would Harper say... She’d say to ask for help…_

An hour later, she moved to wake up Bellamy, but stopped before her hand reached his shoulder. _He’ll try to fix it. I don’t have the strength to be fixed right now, I just need to be understood._

A minute later she was back in Raven’s room. 

_“Raven?”_ she whispered, sitting down next to her. Raven moved closer to her, but didn’t open her eyes.

Echo started to rub her back. “ _Please wake up,”_ she whispered.

Raven furrowed her brow and rubbed her eyes. “You’re hearing things, I didn’t tap on the wall,” she said groggily.

Echo didn’t say anything.

Raven opened her eyes, her confusion melting into concern when she saw her friend’s face. “Echo-”

Echo pulled Raven into her arms and clung to her, sobbing quietly, before Raven could finish her sentence. 

_“It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere,”_ whispered Raven, squeezing her back until her tears subsided a few minutes later. 

“What happens when you do go somewhere? When we all go somewhere?” asked Echo, pulling back and looking at Raven.

Raven brushed Echo’s hair away from her face. “C’mere,” she said, sliding off the bed and hobbling over to the oversized chair by the window. “Tell me whatever you need to and it doesn’t leave this room, okay?” she said, sitting down and putting her arm around Echo as she joined her.

Echo stared out the window, her worst fears becoming vivid images projected on the desolate earth outside. 

“I lost my parents down there. And my friends, and my whole village… and my humanity,” she said, fresh tears falling.

“How did you lose them?” asked Raven gently.

“Queen Nia's army... burned down my village... with everyone in it.”

Raven reached for her hand.

“They killed everyone I loved, and- and then I came to love another girl who survived. She was my best friend,” Echo wiped her face. 

“I’m still listening,” reassured Raven.

“And I killed her,” said Echo, her voice cracking. “Nia told her she had to kill me or we both died, and right before she did it I got scared and fought back. I killed the last person I ever loved, until you,” she said, shaking.

Raven felt her own tears begin to form. “How old were you?” 

“Eight when my parents died, eleven when my humanity died,” she choked out.

“I understand what you mean, but your humanity isn’t dead, Echo. Don’t believe that for a second,” said Raven, meeting her eyes.

“Not up here, anymore, but..” Echo looked away.

“But what?” asked Raven. 

Echo didn’t answer, she just looked back at the earth.

“What are you scared of?” 

Echo looked back at Raven. _“What if I lose you down there, or what if I lose myself again? And what if I hurt you like I hurt Echo, or if I hurt Bellamy? Or Emori, Harper, Monty or Murphy?”_ she whispered, and then froze.

“Like you hurt Echo?” asked Raven, confused.

Echo wanted to float herself in that moment.

“It’s okay, you can tell me” said Raven, noticing her terror.

Echo took a ragged breath. “My friend. Her name was Echo. I killed her, and stole her name.”

“You stole it, or it was assigned to you?” said Raven steadily. 

Echo didn’t respond.

“Listen at me,” said Raven, grabbing her face. “You were a _child._ If Nia made you do it, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do it, it was done _to_ you. You are every bit as human as everyone else up here, and every bit as good, and every bit as loving. Never forget that.”

Echo nodded.

“And do you really think you could ever hurt me on purpose?” asked Raven doubtfully.

Echo shook her head immediately, and then rested it on top of Raven’s. “I always wanted a baby sister when I was a child. Some of my friends in my village had them, and I used to volunteer to hold them and play with them. Their parents used to tell me what a great big sister and mom I was going to be. I’d forgotten that until I came up here,” she said sorrowfully.

“Going to be?” asked Raven.

“My mom was pregnant when she died,” said Echo under her breath.

Raven snuggled closer to her, unable to find sufficient words.

“Raven?” said Echo after a few minutes.

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes... I see you as my baby sister that I lost, and somehow found again."

Raven smiled up at her with tears in her eyes. “I always wanted a big sister, too.”

Echo smiled through her tears back at her.

“I love you, and the you that I know is _not_ going to lose her humanity again. You have a family now,” said Raven.

“But what happens if I lose you all?” asked Echo again.

“Then you’ll still be Echo. The same Echo that knows how to love people. You’ll never have to lose that again. I promise,” said Raven.

“Ash.”

“Was that your name?”

“Was. And then it wasn’t. But on the inside, I think it is again.”

“Does Bellamy know?” 

“Not yet.”

“Then your secret is safe with me. Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” asked Raven.

Echo nodded, then moved Raven back to her bed and pulled the blanket up around them.

“Did your baby sibling have a name?” asked Raven after a few minutes of silence.

Echo smiled, remembering laying in the grass with her mom and watching the birds fly overhead, their hands on her mom's stomach.

"Skylark.”


	22. Some of the Last Times 1

**5 years, 136 days**

Harper looked up from the couch, sniffing the air. “Is that… edible food?” she asked, confused.

“Raven go check the oxygen Harper’s hallucinating,” said Murphy in his sassy monotone, not looking up from the model tower of scrap metal he was building. 

Harper threatened to throw her book at his tower, only half joking.

“Hold your horses McIntyre, I’ve been working on this all morning,” said Murphy.

Raven rolled her eyes. “Let him have it, it’s the only thing he’s worked on in 5 years,” she said, staring directly into his eyes. 

Murphy threw a small piece of metal at her.

“Help, my leg, I’m having a flashback,” said Raven, her voice dripping in sarcasm.

“Better go run and find your substitute m-” Murphy began, stopping himself partly because he knew it was too far, but mostly because he started to smell it too. “Mashed potatoes?” he finished.

Raven shrugged. “Couldn't tell ya, guess that part of my body doesn’t really work anymore either,” she said casually.

“And Swedish meatballs,” said Harper.

Bellamy walked in from the docking bay with Emori. “Did something bad happen today?” he asked, confused.

“Only that,” said Raven, gesturing to Murphy’s creation.

Emori sat down by Murphy. “It’s the Polis tower, I think it looks good, we could use those skills elsewhere,” she said, half encouragingly and half saltily.

“Then why does it smell like… food?” asked Bellamy.

Echo walked out of the kitchen/laundry room. “Monty wanted me to tell everyone to go change your clothes, for the last… whatever this tradition is called,” she said.

Everyone shrugged and walked towards their rooms.

10 minutes later they were seated around the table, with Monty serving them the last rations of Swedish meatballs and mashed potatoes.

“Welcome to the last… uh, things are bad but food is good dinner,” he said with a smile.

“Yeah, the name never really worked itself out, did it. Guess we were always too distraught to think of anything good,” said Bellamy.

“Why?” asked Raven.

“These technically expired 3 months ago. They’re still safe up to around 4 or 5, and I didn’t think we should wait for a tragedy to enjoy them, or for enjoying them to become a tragedy. So tonight, we feast. To family,” he said, holding up his bowl.

“To family,” everyone repeated, and ate as slowly as they could, knowing this could be the last time that real food ever passed their lips. Nobody pointed out that  _ that  _ was a tragedy, but they all thought it.

“Why don’t we just call it family dinner?” asked Harper after a few minutes.

“Wasn’t long enough for Bellamy to turn into a speech,” said Echo without missing a beat.

Bellamy put his hand on her knee and smiled. “I guess I should have done more listening and less talking,” he said.

“I like when you do both,” said Raven. “You’ve talked me down before and after a lot of these dinners.

“Same,” said Emori.

Everyone else nodded. 

“It’s a good name,” said Murphy, taking only the third tiny bite of his dinner.

“Family dinner it is. May we  _ meat  _ again,” said Bellamy with a smirk as he ate the last bite of his.

“And again, I take back what I said about you talking,” said Raven, trying not to laugh.

“Yeah. You  _ definitely  _ don’t get a say in the movie now,” said Monty.

“Oh c’mon, it wasn’t that bad,” said Bellamy, still grinning.

“Yes it was, all in favor of  _ Black Panther?”  _ asked Monty.

“At least use this opportunity to pick a movie I hate, that’s an all-time beloved American classic,” said Bellamy.

“I’ll save that card for a rainy day,” said Monty, looking earnestly at each person sitting around the table.“Today, let’s just focus on what we have up here in each other. But first, I will play that card to have Bellamy help me with the dishes,” he said with a wink.

Bellamy chuckled. “Done.”

* * *

**5 years, 211 days**

Echo knocked on Raven’s door. Hearing no answer, she opened it to find exactly what she was looking for.

Emori, leaning against the windowsill and staring at the distant moon, didn’t acknowledge Echo’s entrance.

Echo wrapped her arm around Emori’s shoulder. “You still belong with us,” she said.

Emori wiped a tear away and hugged Echo back. 

“He’s a fool to think that you being valuable to everyone else makes him less valuable,” said Echo.

Emori nodded. “And an even bigger fool to expect me to  _ only _ care about him,” she added.

“Does knowing how much smarter than him you are make it feel any better?” asked Echo slyly.

Emori laughed. “Not better enough for it to not feel like I lost a piece of me,” she said, her voice faltering. 

Echo nodded in understanding.

“I thought I belonged with him,” said Emori.

“What do you think now?” asked Echo.

“I don’t know yet. I don’t think I comprehend how to belong somewhere where he isn’t, even though I  _ know  _ how awesome I am, as Raven would say.”

Echo chuckled. “Maybe you don’t comprehend it, but you do.”

“Do you feel like you belong up here?”

Echo nodded.

“When did you fully comprehend it?”

“It wasn’t a single moment. It started when I started taking care of Raven back when she was struggling, and solidified when I pledged my loyalty to Bellamy about three years ago.”

“Hm. I feel like I understand it when I’m working with Raven, like actually working  _ with  _ her and not just learning, and when I’m acknowledged by you guys as my own person, which I guess is the norm now. I think that because he was my first family, losing him feels like I don’t have any at all right now.”

“I’d feel the same way if I lost Bellamy,” said Echo, resting her head on Emori’s. 

They stood in each other’s comforting silence, contemplating their belonging and their journeys to it.

“I still hope I haven’t lost him forever,” said Emori after several minutes.

“I don’t think you have,” said Echo. “I think he just has to figure out for himself what it means to be valuable and to be a part of something bigger than himself that he doesn’t get to control, and learn that those things can be good, like we have. And in our case, those things  _ are  _ good.”

“They are pretty good,” said Emori after another pause. “I’m glad you’re up here. It’s nice to have someone else that understands where we came from.”

“The feeling is mutual,” said Echo lovingly.

“I also heard you read a  _ killer  _ bedtime story, can’t wait to join in on that action tonight,” joked Emori.

Echo smiled. “She wouldn’t know, usually she falls asleep less than a chapter in. Maybe you’ll be a better audience,” she joked back.

Emori sighed. “I’m sure I will tonight, I don’t think I’ll be sleeping much at all,” she said, her tone changing.

“Then I’ll be sure to pick something good,” said Echo reassuringly.

They fell back into thoughtful silence, reminiscing on their separate but similar journeys to finding peace and purpose that were undoubtedly worth it in the end, no matter how much heartbreak they had or would experience as a result of loving and being loved.

* * *

**5 years, 253 days**

“ _ Echo, wake up,”  _ whispered Bellamy.

She faintly awoke and was almost lulled back to sleep by Bellamy stroking her hair when she heard pounding on the wall and snapped awake. 

“How long?” asked Echo, frantically putting on her sweatshirt.

Bellamy put his hand on her back. “Hey. Deep breath. Only about a minute,” he said. 

“But Emori’s with her- well, it doesn’t matter. After today, I’m not surprised.”

“Neither am I,” said Bellamy, kissing her on the forehead. “I love you.”

“ _ love you too,”  _ whispered Echo before hastily leaving the room.

……….

Emori was doing her best to keep calm when Echo rushed in. “I don’t know how long, I just woke up and she was crying for you and-” she said shakily.

_ Is that- _ Echo thought as she frantically scrambled for the light switch-  _ blood,  _ she confirmed, her heart racing at the sight of Raven’s terrified face and bedding stained with it and what looked like vomit. Five and a half years in space had somewhat re-sensitized her to gore, but she didn’t hesitate in rushing to Raven’s side.

_ “I’m here baby, I’m here now, you’re safe,” _ she whispered as calmly as she could.

Everything was blurred by the eerily familiar haze, but Raven calmed as she felt herself being picked up out of her damp and sticky blankets and carried out towards the bathroom. She wrapped her arms weakly around Echo’s neck and noticed she could feel Echo’s heartbeat racing before blacking out again.

……….

Raven wasn’t sure if she was dreaming or hearing Harper, but she tried to follow regardless.

“I don’t know, but since she’s had seizures before under very similar circumstances, based on what I  _ do _ know today is an isolated incident. If this doesn’t become a pattern, I don’t think it’s a sign of any underlying disease. Probably just a reflection of her mental health state, which I know we’ve all been struggling with more the past few months,” said Harper.

“But twice in one day? After almost six years without one, or any other injuries, for that matter?” Echo added worriedly.

Raven focused all of her energy on waking up.

Harper shrugged. “Definitely concerning. But for the sake of all of us, we  _ can’t _ get anxious about this until there’s something to be anxious about. Right now, it’s only happened twice, today, so that’s how we’re going to treat it,” she said calmly, fighting her own fear.

Raven felt water running over her and slowly opened her eyes.

“Hey, can you hear me Raven?” Echo asked softly, immediately relieved at signs of wakefulness after 30 minutes of watching her anxiously. 

Raven felt Echo squeezing her hand and noticed she was submerged in warm water and covered with a wet towel. “Is this really happening?” she asked, looking from Echo to Harper, not sure if the memories of tonight were real or a hallucination.

They both nodded.

Raven looked down and noticed the water was pink, her mouth and her back were extremely sore, and she felt nauseous. She didn’t know what to ask for first, so she started to cry.

Echo helped her sit up straight and Harper handed her the glass of water she had waiting. 

“Let’s wash all this out of your hair, okay?” said Harper when Raven finished drinking.

Raven nodded listlessly.

“I’m going to go fill Bellamy in and check on Emori and the laundry,” said Echo, giving Raven’s hand another squeeze before leaving. 

Raven closed her eyes, and let herself feel comforted by her friends’ help. She felt more awake by the time Echo and Emori were back, putting fresh sweats on her and taking her to the medical corner for Harper to check her vitals and reflexes before letting her go back to sleep, just in case. She tried with no avail to stop the steady stream of tears that she noticed now that the water had been dried off of her.

Bellamy walked in while Harper was finishing up and telling them that it was almost certainly another non non-epileptic seizure due to extreme distress.

Harper patted Raven’s knee. “If you ever see anyone who you know isn’t really up here again, call for someone  _ immediately _ and lay down, but I think you’ll be okay after taking it easy and asking for what you need for a few days.”

Raven nodded.

“It’s not just you Raven, we’re all going a little crazy, it just looks different for everyone,” said Emori reassuringly.  _ At least you’re not turning against everyone that loves you, like some of us. _

“I know,” Raven said softly. “I’m really tired and… I need... “  _ you to read my mind because I can’t talk anymore through these tears,  _ she thought, hiding her face frustratedly in one hand and reaching for Echo’s hand that was wrapped around her and resting on her stomach with the other. 

Echo signalled for Bellamy to take Raven from her.  _ Still heavier than she looks. _ He held his arms out to her and she reached back and rested her head on his shoulder.

Harper and Emori stayed in the living area, as the others would be waking up any minute, while Bellamy and Echo took Raven to their room.

Bellamy put Raven down in Echo’s arms and covered them with the blanket, then sat next to them for moral support

Echo held still visibly frightened Raven’s head against her chest, stroking her arm and whispering occasional reminders of how valuable and loved she was until she fell asleep.

“Where did you learn how to do that?” he said quietly after Raven had been silent for a few minutes. 

Echo shrugged. “A little bit from another life, a little bit from watching the rest of you,” she said.

“Which other life?”

“The one before you,” said Echo dismissively. 

“Hm,” said Bellamy, still wondering after all these years how nurturing came naturally to her at all if she’d only known the life of a coldhearted spy and thinking of a follow up question when she interrupted.

“You know, I think I finally understand why you’d do anything, even the  _ most _ illogical things, for Octavia now. But I definitely  _ don’t _ understand how you were able to forgive me, after how I felt when I thought for a second that we lost Raven today,” she said.

Bellamy put his hand over hers. “I forgave you partly  _ because  _ I know you understand. And I’ve never regretted it,” he said, kissing her shoulder. “I love you so much, and I’ve loved watching you become who you really are up here.”

Echo smiled softly at him. “I love you too.”

“Well, I might as well just be awake for the day, so I’ll leave you guys to rest,” he said, standing up and walking to the door. He paused before opening it, and looked at them lovingly. “Soak it up, you never know when it’s going to be the last time.”

Echo rested her cheek on Raven’s head, taking his advice and making sure she’d committed every detail to memory: her warmth, her quiet breathing peppered by an occasional murmur, her left hand loosely holding onto Echo’s sweatshirt.

_ If this is the last time, I hope it’s only because somehow you get us to earth, and your friends are still alive, and you meet a worthy man that loves you as much as I do, and we live in a new world where nobody has to worry that anything good is happening for the last time. Otherwise, I’d still rather just stay here forever. _

  
  



End file.
